Thursday, October 02, 2008

Not sure what to pray for...

What a difference 72 hours can make.

On Monday night, after almost two months of questioning, it seemed that the opportunity to move to Champaign, IL to pursue Chris' dream job was going to have to be deferred. Both potential employers seemed to be pulling back, not ready to hire him for either sales or product support positions. Chris also had a disappointing weekend as he'd been working hard on the replacement of steering bearings on his motorcycle, and the process had been (to be kind) fraught with adventures.

So by Monday night, we both concluded that the thing to do would be to put everything on hold, settle in for the winter, and see what comes next spring. We'd finish closing up the condo, and we'd eke through the winter in his one-bedroom apartment (the lease runs out in December, but we really didn't want another winter-time move).

And Chris seemed at peace with that - even ready to change shifts (or jobs) to get to enjoy life more over the winter seasons. As the sun came up on Tuesday, and the pain in his back from all the efforts over the weekend eased, it seemed the right thing to do.

Then the phone call came at 4:50 this afternoon. Company #2 was calling; how soon might he be in Champaign? Sales openings were available now...

And once again everything is in the air.

Are we crazy - to be relocating in the midst of the worst economy and financial market in 20 years? Moving away before Thanksgiving, before Christmas? It doesn't matter much to me - and almost any job market would be better than Toledo, I guess (being tied heavily to the housing and auto markets, so being double sucker-punched by the credit crunch). But there is this voice in the back of my head that says
  • You were wrong about seminary. Your worst fears came to pass.
  • You were wrong about working at the Conservatory.
  • You were wrong about your current employer.
  • Moving to Toledo hasn't done much of anyone any good.
So now I'm second-guessing my second-guesses about almost everything I have to make a decision about - everything but my commitment and love for this guy. (There's no second-guessing there.)

Does being spooked about this move make it a good thing? Has God brought me to this scary place just to get me to trust Him again to jump off? Or am I so broken that I'm not even ready to hear guidance? What is faith, and what's just foolhardiness? I'm not sure that I can discern that, any more...

And I'm one to resist change - I always have been. Going out on a limb is not my favorite place.

In 20 minutes, I'll find out more from Chris. But for right now, it's a "where the hell is God's will in all this insanity?" I just don't know...

So prayers would be welcome.

5 comments:

wilsonian said...

Praying, friend.

Michael said...

Also praying.

First off, you may want to go back and examine those "You were wrong" statements. To take just the first one, "You were wrong about seminary."

Were you really? You may have been wrong (okay, you were) about seminary leading to ordained ministry. But think about the things that happened to you because you went to seminary, the people you met, the fact that some of that whole process helped you make the decision to come out and thus to meet Chris and build the life the two of you are trying to build together.

Don't think the next step is the last step. It is only part of a journey.

Go back and read the story of Joseph and what he told his brothers in Genesis 45.

Black Pete said...

Then again, there is always the possibility that you're on a roller coaster (granted), and one response you could conceivably make is "Yeee-haaaaaaaa!"

Bear Me Out said...

Journey. Not destination. All those places, all those decisions: worng? THink again.

And, it's not where you go, it who you're with. And the One who is with you, both.

Michael said...

So, dearheart, don't leave us hanging wondering who shot JR, or who hired Chris? What's happening? Are we still praying for something good to happen or are we praying in gratitude for what has come to pass?

And I forgot to say this before, I think, but you know what God wills for you: to love tenderly, to act justly and to walk humbly with God. And to do all that as a happy, joyous and free child of God.