...It has been a long day - supposedly a day off, but I've been on the move since 7 AM. I feel like I've been out of touch, in a number of ways. Part of it is that I just haven't felt real well - not so much "sick" as just "not entirely right."
I changed my blog profile today - in a burst of honesty, my personal designation is now "former seminary student." It's an admission that while my ministry is far from done, my seminary career is on "hold," for the foreseeable future, anyway. I guess what triggered it was some early morning reviewing of my financial status, and knowing that (barring a winning lottery ticket) I will not have enough of my bills paid back in order to get back to school by January 31, the start of the Spring semester. But part of it has been recognizing that I've been "apart from" the seminary community (with the exception of a few stalwart companions) for a while now. At least for the time being, my path is not the same as their path...and as lousy as it feels to admit that, it's still true.
Tonight was an "end of semester" party at one of the student's apartments. I was e-invited...and probably would have been welcomed, if I'd shown up. But the fact is, the semester never started for me, so there is no cause for celebration on its ending, I guess. I have no common ground with the folks who struggled through Systematic Theology, or Hebrew, or "Jesus & the Gospels"...because I wasn't there. At least a part of the core of my understanding of community has to do with "shared experience" - and the simple (if annoying) fact is that I have no experiences that I share with my former classmates anymore. We live on the same block - some of them live in the same building - but we are rapidly growing apart in experience.
The good news is that I had a very good day - primarily because I was immersed in being of service in the program of recovery. I heard from one fellow AA early this AM, had a sponsee take me out to lunch, spent the afternoon with him, went to speak at a meeting in Pilsen tonight, and then out to a late dinner afterwards. Every part of that was a true gift from God.
For now, I'm thankful for another day of life - thankful for the people in my life - and thankful that the lessons I've had to learn haven't ended up being fatal yet. And if that's as good as it gets, I'll take it.
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I thought your former profile was honest--as honest as it could be at the time, when you knew what you knew then--and it is honest now.
If i had time, I'd change my profile daily, almost. Living with God (or more accurately, consciously trying to) is sometimes like living with a cloud or better yet, a fog bank. The Presence is beyond doubt--but you can't touch it, or really see it. Walk through it and you find yourself as often as not groping with your arms and hands for either an obstacle or a point of navigation. And so as the days pass, things emerge out of it, and you re-think what you thought you'd seen.
But I'm getting wordy {lopsided grin}.
Trust is a huge issue with me, coming from where i come from, so i see your life as an immense act of courage that probably feels like the exact opposite most of the time. But it's clear to me that rather than standing still in the above-mentionned fog bank you're walking ahead. Slowly, maybe. With some fear, beyond doubt. But moving.
Maybe you need your own party. After all, leaving or putting on hold something may need its own celebration. And if you can't do it in person, maybe we could pop a few Diet Cokes online with those who read and have some understanding of where you are.
How's your fridge stocked, btw--should I bring some nachos and dip?
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