Identifying "defining moments"

Over the last couple weeks, I've had more than a few people ask variations on the same question:

"I like what you write...but I don't have time to read your entire blog, from start to finish. Can you point me toward the entries in your blog that say what's really been going on with you?"

Well, that got to be kind of tough...because the last year - and certainly the last six or seven months - have been a bit of a rollercoaster. But I went through, and picked out a group of entries that were "defining moments" - points in time where I either had to make a decision (or survive someone else's decision); points where my path has changed (for better or worse); and points where I've shared some past moments that have shaped my life, my faith, and/or my recovery. So I've gathered them together, and put them into a "Defining Moments Postings" box in the sidebar.

Now, I can assure you - you won't be able to read these few postings and know my life, my faith, or my entire stand on any particular theme or issue. But for my new friends, this is a way to "catch up," I guess, and see the "big ticket items" in my personal inventory over the last few months I've been blogging.

Looking back since I restarted blogging at the very end of June, I can certainly say, "...what a long, strange trip it's been." And I'm sure it will be a growing, evolving, changing time, going forward, too.

I'm eager to see where the road leads...

It's not a "military draft"...just an "involuntary activation"

Congratulations, America...we made it 5 days (120 hours) after the election before the first lie of the nouveau Bush administration comes to light.

Remember the claims that we would never have a draft? Well, this story from the Associated Press puts the lie to that one. In the same way that "genocide" becomes "ethnic cleansing," "miltary draft" becomes "an involuntary activation" of 5,600 soldiers.

My next impossible goal will be to introduce legislation that only people who voted for the incumbent president (and his foreign policy) get called up and sent to support his personal multi-hundred-billion dollar ego-fest in Iraq.

This whole war - and its continued anointing by conservative pro-Bush Christian leaders as a "just action" - simply infuriates me. As of today, 1,278 US soldiers have died - and more than 8,000 wounded - fighting this war. (This report, back in February 2004, listed fewer than 600 KIAs - killed in action - and 2,600 US wounded. It's been a busy 9 months, eh?)

Do we really have to run the numbers up to Vietnam-era ranges - 54,000 or so - before we figure out that no one ever changed the hearts and minds of a people with guns? I dare you - go to CNN's site, here, and look at the faces (and ages) of those who have died. Look into those faces and say, "Yup - based on what we now know, continuing to let our men and women die for this cause sounds like a good idea.

Don't call me "un-American." And don't say I'm not supporting my troops. I have the utmost respect for the skills and the commitment of our soldiers, and I love my country - I just hate what is being done in its name, and I hate the waste of humanity on a useless cause. And I hate the incredible waste of our scarce resources that are being sucked up in this desert boondoggle.

The tragic, cowardly actions of the US media mean that we don't get to see the casualties, like we did in Vietnam. We don't hear the butcher's bill on the news each night, or see the mangled bodies of US soldiers, fighting people who don't want us there.

Again. Another Republican administration. Another hopeless, endless "police action."

God, forgive us...we know what we do, even if we don't want to look at it. Give me the strength to object, to call attention to what is happening, to help my anger over injustice overcome my despair. Show me what I can do.

Looking for the *next* president

Wow...hearing some really pithy remarks in the blogosphere about the election (and God help me, but I can't help but agree). We'll talk more about the Shiite-Christians and their impact on this election later. But for now, you really, really need to go here and read a great specification for a REAL president of the US. God only knows where we'll find one...but if we could, I'd vote for them in a nanosecond.

Seeking strength in brokenness

When my heart is broken, when my life is torn,
shepherd me beyond my grief and loss...
(refrain)
Shepherd me, O God –
Beyond my wants, beyond my fears,
From death into life.
- Marty Haugen, "Shepherd Me, O God," from Turn My Heart: A Sacred Journey from Brokenness to Healing (GIA Music, 2003).

A fellow blogger hundreds of miles away, this morning...a fellow seminary student down the block, this afternoon...a new parent in the next timezone, this evening...each of them have said to me today, in so many words: "I don't know if I can hang on."

God have mercy, but I understand that.

In November, 2003, when I heard from my denomination's candidacy committee that my formal entrance to the ordination process would be delayed indefinitely, I plunged into a depth of despair that I thought was impossible to reach outside of the death of a loved one. Despite my outward "I'm hangin' in there" declarations, on the inside I flat-lined, spiritually.

My prayer life went straight to hell, my Bible seemed to weigh a thousand pounds, and it seemed be filled with useless ancient writings that could not begin to address my pain. Worst of all, I felt that I had to hide my spiritual collapse from everyone, so that they didn't see what a fraud and spiritual midget they had reposed their trust in. The more the shock wore off, the deeper the despair became.

Through my days of weeping, through my sleepless nights,
shepherd me within Your loving arms...(refrain)

It was just about 3 months afterward, on February 8th, that composer Marty Haugen appeared at LSTC to perform his work, Turn My Heart, including this song, "Shepherd My Heart, O God."

When the waves rush o’er me, When I’m sinking down,
Shepherd me beyond the roaring deep...(refrain)

Over the intevening months, this song has ministered to me in more ways than I could ever describe - even when my prayer and devotional life was all but dead, and my faith seemed all but gone.

Now, don't get me wrong...one little song (or, for that matter, the rest of the beautiful songs on the CD) didn't "make everything OK," by any means. (I'm still waiting to be "poofed wonderful" again.) But it did give me an enduring image of myself as a lost sheep... lost, alone, hopeless, screwed, and feeling like I was about to die...and a Shepherd who would seek me (and even catch up to me) no matter how far I ran away or how much I kept bleating about being screwed.

When my spirit fails me, when all hope is lost,
shepherd me from death into new life...

Over the last six months, I had the same candidacy committee reaffirm my "postponement"; two days later, my mentor, pastor and friend died of a heart attack. I lost my funding for my studies, and it seemed that every place I turned, I couldn't find a job to save my life. I had to ask friends for help just to keep my lights and phone on. I found temporary work, had it run out...there have been a number of times over the last months that curling up in a ball and retreating from the world (in any number of ways)sounded like a damn good idea.

I wish I could say I was all better now - but it would be at least a partial lie. I'm still without permanent employment...and discouragement on that topic sets in about every 2 days. There are still days when it's tough to even want to get out of bed...let alone "put my best foot forward" in the job search. I've found a bunch of lame excuses for churches, and a couple good ones...but none that really cries out, "You're finally home." And with my fellow seminarians in class (and me sitting out a semester, for financial reasons) life can get pretty damned lonely here in the big city.

But, on my best days, I remember what my first AA sponsor told me - "God has not carried you this far to drop you on your [butt], Steve" - and I try my very best to act on that belief, even though it can seem like a flickering candle in a tornado at times. And a couple times, he has called to remind me of a time early on, when he asked me if I could just not drink - nothing else, just not drink - for one day. With some disdain, I acidly replied, "Hell, Bob, any [fool] can do anything for ONE day." That's when he replied, "Yeah...but can YOU?"

On days like today, I have to remember that I am not "some special kind of fool," but just "any fool." And I have to remind myself, and others, that "one day at a time" doesn't mean "forever" - it really does mean "just this 24 hours." As a wise man from the First Step House in Des Plaines, IL once told me, "Steve, if you haven't been drunk, high, naked in public, or shot at, and if you haven't used a vulgarity in the final draft of a memo...you're having a good day."

And so, I am. And probably, so are you. It may not have been the day you'd choose - mine certainly wasn't, in several respects. But there are still many, many things for which I am grateful...love of family, friendships that endure beyond my failures, and a God that can endure my sinfulness and backsliding, and still welcome home a prodigal child like me. Just like you, I only have to make it through this one day...and even when I run away from God like a bleating sheep, I know there is One who will leave the 99 to search for me.

And that's a good feeling to know.

Shepherd me, O God –
Beyond my wants, beyond my fears,
From death into life.

Gentle prayer request

Jerry Motsinger, husband of my dear friend Sandy Motsinger in Prairie Village, KS, is going for surgery today to have a cancerous kidney removed. Take a moment and pray for Jerry, for the surgeons and nurses that will treat him and care for him, and that the cancer is as contained as it appeared to be in their pre-surgical tests. I can't be there - so I trust that your prayers will help carry my friend and her husband through this rough spot.

(It's at times like this that being 590 miles from my long-term friends is really, really annoying.)

Toto, we aren't in Lake Wobegon anymore

I am, among other things, a storyteller. So when I got a last-minute chance at tickets to see Garrison Keillor's performance (part of the dedication of the UC-Comer Children's Hospital) I couldn't resist. I'd only heard Keillor as part of the Prairie Home Companion programs on public radio - once, I even saw him do a PHC broadcast from KC's Starlight Ampitheatre, which was cool to be at. So I was looking forward to more-of-the-same.

Gee, was I wrong.

Before the performance started, my classmate Kris B. shared with me that she'd gotten an email from Kerry campaign HQ, urging the Kerry volunteers to work for unity and reconciliation. However, it was clear that Keillor didn't get the email. One of his first volleys suggested that, having worked for the Kerry campaign, Keillor's next "hopeless cause" would be a constitutional amendment to withdraw American citizenship (and the right to vote) from Evangelical Christians. His logic was that (a) since evangelicals only have "one book" from which to review and learn (and are so content with home-schooling), they don't need to avail themselves of public schools; (b) since they can trust in the Lord for healing, they don't need access to health-care; and so on. In short, according to Keillor, since God is the answer to so much of their lives, evangelicals didn't need access to "real life" in America at all. The largely-Demoncratic crowd at the UC Rockefeller Chapel roarded their approval.

It was cute - and funny...and yet so unhelpful. Even as I laughed along with Keillor and the crowd, I thought, "This may be what we want, but it is definitely not what we need.

Lord God, eternal Three-in-One, help us find our way from separateness to unity.

This is SO not "building the Kingdom"...

For conservative evangelicals, there is far more at stake in the presidential elections than just gay marriage. "The right to be a Christian in this country is at stake," said Gregory Quinlan at the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio on Sunday. (from "Ohio voters set to approve controversial anti-gay marriage measure," Mon Nov 1, 3:00 PM ET [AFP news article quoted on Yahoo! News, Nov. 2, 2004])

No, Mr. Quinlan, I'm sorry. It's not.

However, given the tone of your comment, it does seem that the right to be anything but a Christian is at stake.

Now this may sound strange, coming from a Christian who dreams of being a pastor some day, but I fully support people's right to not be Christian. Part of my own life-story is that I wanted nothing to do with Christians, or Christianity, for 17 of my first 34 years of life. No, I didn't firebomb churches or file lawsuits against prayer in schools. I just didn't want anything to do with Christ or Christianity. Period.

These days, I spend a lot more time with Christ and Christians than I could have ever imagined back then. But I still support the right of individuals to not even like Christians (though I draw the line on acts that are in any way harmful to them). It's hard to remember, but even while Jesus walked the earth he didn't expect everyone to follow him. In fact, he gave some very specific instructions to his followers for the cases where they (and their message) were not welcomed.

I'm going to leave aside the questions of "is 'it' a choice?" and gay marriage, because those are topics for another posting. But I'm much more scared by folks who think that those who disagree with Christianity are a threat to the very existence of Christians. To me, comments like Mr. Quinlan's are inflammatory fear-mongering, and only serve to broaden the rift between Christians and non-Christians (the very rift we are called to bridge in our practice of the Great Commission).

Yes, I know...Jesus did talk about separating the sheep from the goats, and he did talk about judgement that is to come...at the end of the age. But this is also the Son of God who sat (and had table fellowship) with tax collectors, bar owners and prostitutes; Emmanuel ("God with us") who hung out with the very least (and the most undesirable) of us.

I will continue to say this: the treatment of "those-who-have-the-least" by "those who have the most" in this country is as stunning a condemnation of the state of Christianity as any that could be conceived by a non-Christian. No perceived sexual perversion, no so-called assault on family values is as devastating to the cause of Christ as our own failure to love our neighbors as ourselves, and care for them as the Good Shepherd and the Good Samaritan would do.

As election day draws to a close, I truly believe that the right to be a Christian is not at stake in this election...and that saying so is the spiritual equivalent of yelling "Fire!" in a crowded theatre. But I do believe that the practice of following Christ is very much at risk - but mostly from the voices of those who would focus on the splinter in others' eyes, and ignore the log that is lodged deeply in our own.

Have mercy on us, Lord...despite the fact that most of the time, we know exactly what we do.

Absolutely hysterical!

Thank you, Lisa, for the link to Movies in 15 Minutes!

So far, I've read through Troy and The Day After Tomorrow - and they are both amazing. Cleolinda Jones is an incredible talent (which, of course, means I envy the hell out of her writing!).

Troy is especially funny for the LOTR references alone. I did find that it's easier to read this if you go here to figure out who's-on-first.

Seven hours and counting

No deep theology here (for which some may be very thankful). The voting polls open at 6 AM Central time, here in Chicago, and I plan to be there, first thing.

In the community of recovery, I am blessed to spend time with a number of felons. Being in prison changes the way you look at life on a number of different levels, and I'm grateful that these men have been willing to share their lives and their souls with me. It's a rare privilege, and one that I don't take lightly.

Election Day is one of those days that generally make these guys feel very much "apart-from," because one of the rights they have to give up after their conviction is the right to vote. And especially in an election year like this one, where every single vote is going to matter, it really has annoyed several of them to have to be on the sidelines.

That's why I will be up and out the door early tomorrow, even though I don't need to be up that early. By sheer grace, I was never arrested for any of the things I did in my past, so I still have that privilege. And because I can, I must. It's just that simple. Every single vote may mean the difference between victory and defeat on Tuesday; there are no insignificant or meaningless votes this season.

Thank you, God, for the ability and the privilege to vote. Help me to exercise that gift with wisdom and strength. Protect our candidates - the ones we vote for and the ones that we don't - and the voters, and the innocent ones who are standing targets. Amen.

The classic of election-year humor

While walking down 55th St. with me, roommate Tim looked up and spotted this sticker, comfortably nestled between "Barack Obama" and "Kerry/Edwards" stickers on someone's front window.

When he pointed it out to me, I almost wet myself.

You can see the cartoon that triggered the whole craze here. Yet another catchy idea I wish I had come up with....

Still needing re-formation

For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus...For we hold that a person is justified by faith apart from works prescribed by the law.
(Romans 3:22b-24, 28)
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For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:8-10)

For much of the Protestant world, Sunday was Reformation Sunday. In churches around the world, organs thundered out the fight song of the Reformation, "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God," as festival worship services commemorated the actions of an Augustinian monk who was simply looking for some theological debate...a monk named Martin Luther who, by the act of posting 95 discussion-points of his disagreement with the Roman church, ignited the Protestant Reformation.

It's kind of humorous, I guess...but here in Hyde Park, on the south side of Chicago, the Lutheran churches have wised up: there are no wooden doors to which anything could be nailed, either at the seminary or at the Lutheran campus ministry across the street. In fact, any incensed Lutheran theologian at LSTC would have to walk across our common courtyard to the massive wooden doors of McCormick Theological Seminary to perpetrate an act of dissent (and one could only imagine what the Presbyterian reaction to defacing those beautiful doors might be).

History books will tell you that the Reformation officially began on October 31, 1517 when Luther nailed his "95 theses" to the door of the Castle Church at Wittenberg, and ran in various phases for 150 years, give or take. But I would suggest that the need for reformation - for re-forming and re-creating the church, the culture, and the individual - is as critical today as it was 487 years ago.

I've seen it in the churches I've visited recently - where religiosity has once again become a comfortable hiding place for those who claim the name of a radical Savior. I've seen it in the stories of my fellow seminarians, striving to follow their call to the ministry of Christ, and finding their sense of call all but smothered by the gatekeepers of the very church they have chosen to serve. But I also see the Breath of Life being breathed into dry bones...and virtual nails being driven through virtual parchment into virtual doors, as groups worldwide are calling forth "the emergent church" in homes, in traditional and in unusual physical locations, as well as by digital disciples on the Web.

But for me, the importance of this day comes back to these two slivers of Scripture - and the incredible promise they have for a ragamuffin and perennial prodigal like me. I see the ongoing need for re-formation and re-shaping in my own life - in my ongoing need to renew my prayer life, my devotional life, and my physical and financial self. But no matter how I complicate my work, my recovery, my call or my life, in the end it all leads back to this truth: I'm saved, redeemed...and there was nothing I could do (or needed to do) to do it. Justification by faith is a free gift from God, irrespective of the strength or durability of my own faith.

For years before I came back to church on Reformation Day 1990, I held the belief that I needed to "have enough faith" to justify my justification - a hopeless circular-reference nightmare. I simply believed that I didn't have enough faith to be justified-by-faith - and trapped by that delusion, I walked in darkness for far too many years. So on this day, I give thanks for Pastor Peter Brown, formerly of Epiphany Lutheran Church in Toledo, who (on the Wednesday before Reformation Sunday) gave me both the Good News and the invitation to join the fellowship of sinners that Christ died to save.

I walked into Epiphany Lutheran that Sunday convinced that I was more in need of reforming than anyone else in the place. The difference today is that I realize I'm not more in need of reformation than anyone else - but exactly as much as anyone else. As a friend in recovery often says, "Yup, Steve, you're terminally unique - just like everybody else."

Lord God, you are the Potter, and I am the clay...and I really do desire to be re-formed, to be shaped according to your will. My prayer to you this day comes from a 60's song by The American Breed:

Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me -
Long as You love me, it's all right;
Bend me, shape me, any way You want me,
You've got the power to turn on the Light.

Amen.

Another good reason to support the NICWJ

Yesterday, I got a call from the "Faithful Citizen Project" of the National Interfaith Council for Worker Justice (NICWJ). I'd registered to vote with the Project back in June - and it seems they were following up with everyone they had registered, to encourage them to actually vote in the elections Tuesday (you did know we're having elections, didn't you?).

Not only did they call with that encouragement, they also left the number of the Chicago Board of Elections, and the webpage where one can find their polling place in Chicago. And, since my voter registration card says that I'm registered, but not where to vote, that was very helpful information.

So thank you, everyone who works on the Faithful Citizen project, and the NICWJ in general. I give thanks to God for people whose faith has both hands and feet! Check out their site, and maybe contribute to their work.

Nouveau hymnal theology

During my class on worship at LSTC, a number of people had fairly derisive things to say about the ELCA Worship & Praise songbook. The comments (from classmates and the professor) mostly broke down into three categories:

1)Who needs a Lutheran book of praise songs, since traditionally they don't ever really use them? (The unspoken corollary was, "If the "Green Book" was good enough for Luther, it's good enough for us!") :-)
2) If these are really "praise songs," you don't need a songbook anyway - you just need a screen and a PowerPoint presentation, right? It's a waste of paper and ink.
3) They're all kind of lightweight songs, with no real enduring beauty or theological basis to them, so why bother?

I've been thinking of this tonight, after reading my friend Lisa's posting about preventing one from falling into the doldrums of worship. Because, you see, from September 1999 to May 2001, at Faith Lutheran in Prairie Village, KS, a group of us (jokingly known by some as "Friends of Faith," and by some others as "Lutheran Jihad") presented a "renewing-worship" service around music from this same much-maligned Worship & Praise songbook. And silly as it might sound, we found much freshness, renewal and affirmation within all those "lightweight, cheap-theology" songs...

I am strength for all the despairing,
Healing for the ones who dwell in shame.
All the blind will see, the lame will all run free,
Come and rest in Me...

Do not be afraid, I am with you,
I have called you each by name -
Come and follow Me, I will bring you home...
I love you, and you are Mine."
(#158,"You Are Mine," by David Haas, in Worship & Praise (Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress, 1999))

You know...cheap, forgettable, empty theology like this...

Come! Open your heart!
Show your mercy to all those in fear!
We are called to be hope for the hopeless,
So hatred and blindness will be no more!

We are called to act with justice,
We are called to love tenderly,
We are called to serve one another,
To walk humbly with God. (#147, "We Are Called," by David Haas)
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Give us a thirst for love, give us a hunger for justice,
Make us one with the mind of Christ.
God, you have moved upon the waters,
You have sung in the rush of wind and flame;
And in Your love, you have called us sons and daughters:
Make us people of the water and your name.
(#127, "Song Over the Waters," by Marty Haugen)

In fact, for about an hour today, I just sat in my desk-chair, singing my way through a verse or two of each song I could remember that we did from what one professor called "that failed bit of unnecessary publishing by Augsburg Fortress." And I am not ashamed to admit that there were tears of joy and of remembrance, recalling just how much of my theology-of-the-heart was set in those rowdy days of renewing worship. Even today, my hope and prayer for the Church (not just the ELCA, but the family of Christ) is that one day, we can all sing this song together:

Now with praise and thanksgiving, we join the song
All are welcome! We gather to sing loud and strong.
Not enslaved, but set free! From now on, all will be
One in Jesus, one in water, baptized and set free.
(#14, "Baptized & Set Free," by Cathy Skogen-Soldner)

May all our theology, and all our Christian practice, get this "lightweight." Make it so, Lord. Amen.

I, too, am still "stumbling toward faith"…

Today, in between sieges on the web seeking gainful employment, I finished Renee' Altson's amazing book, Stumbling Toward Faith: my longing to heal from the evil that God allowed. It is the most painful, and yet one of the most beautifully honest, books I have ever read.

I called two different people yesterday, and read them the first 3 pages of the book - and their reaction was the same: a gasp, variations on "Oh, my God," and a resolution to pick up the book themselves. Want to see what evoked such a reaction? Go here and check the introduction to the book, or go here and see the whole website for the book. (For anyone who has suffered any kind of abusive treatment, I will warn you - this can be triggering. I'll also tell you that though the introduction is in pain, there is hope and recovery in these pages.)

I don't know how Renee lived this long, or how she endured what she did without killing herself (or anyone else) - but I thank God for her bravery in writing what she did. If the books I have rattling around in my head ever hit the presses, it will be because of Renee's example, her courage and her inspiration.

Obviously I have not encountered the depths of horror that Renee has. But there is a central theme, a part of her experience that I identified with so much that it hurt: the experience of coming to the church with doubts, fears, reservations, wobbly-kneed faith - and finding complete rejection by the church, unless I could buy into everything that the church folks said they believed in.

I, however, was blessed by the gift of my friend Craig Lindner, who led me to Faith Lutheran Church in the spring of 1991, and by the gift of of Tom Housholder, the pastor there, who had the courage to be honest and humble in the first sermon I ever heard him preach, as best I remember it:

There are many times when I am standing up here in the pulpit, and I look at you, and I know that I am speaking a message and that you are hearing it. I know I am making a connection with you, and that you accept and believe what I'm sharing with you. And then there are times when I feel that connection, I see it in your eyes, and still a small voice in the back of my head, asks me, "What if everything you are saying is a lie?" (May 5, 1991, Faith Lutheran Church, Prairie Village, KS)

I remember, ever so vividly, wanting to jump to my feet at the back of the church and yell, "NO [kidding]?!?!" (Had to clean that one up for Mom Housholder, in case she reads this.) I had never, ever heard anyone in the church ever express any kind of doubt or uncertainty - and it was my first hope of real salvation. I was absolutely flabbergasted…and overwhelmed with the possibility that maybe - just maybe - that if this man could be a Christian, then maybe I could be a Christian too.

Tom's sermon was anything but a sermon - it was a testimony, a humble confession by a man who struggled, and wasn't too proud to admit it in public. It galvanized me. It was also the first time I'd heard a sermon that didn't have the traditional "three-points-and-a-poem" structure to it, with some slick and alliterative formula for salvation and Scriptural understanding. It was the first time I really heard someone "share their experience, strength, and hope" anywhere other than in an AA meeting. It was amazing.

Years later, I stood in the new sanctuary of the Lutheran Church of Hope in West Des Moines. It was the dedication of their new building, and another Housholder - Tom's middle son, Mike - was senior pastor there (he still is, too). We had just finished saying the Apostle's Creed - one of the confessional statements of the church - when (as best I remember it) Mike stood before the congregation and said:

There's probably more than a couple people in this room who are thinking, "I don't know if I can say those words…I don't know if I can even believe those words." We want you to know that it's OK to not say those words - that it's OK to be here, and be unsure of what you believe. We want you to know that this place is a safe place to discover the answers to your questions, and the anchors to your faith. If you're doubting...if you're seeking...if you are wondering...you are welcome here.

I may never get to be an ordained pastor - the odds seem kind of stacked against it, right now. But if I ever do, I want to be a pastor like that. I want to be a pastor that doesn't have to "save" God from God's "infidel children," but who wants to introduce those same stumbling kids to a God big enough to love them exactly the way they are. And no matter what kind of ministry life God has planned for me, I hope that someday I can share that kind of love and acceptance with someone who needs it...someone, perhaps, like Renee.

Or someone like me.

[A note: this is not the first time I've written about this...you can see the original post here.]

Outta my mind on Wednesday moanin'

Hmpf…as I write this, it's 12:20 a.m. (blogger's hours) and both Blogger.com and the "*.blogspot.com" set of blogs are all unavailable. It's not on my end - I can get to loads of other sites just fine - but our corner of the blogosphere is (to steal a phrase) "uptight and outta sight." So when this finally gets posted, it will be a kind of "delayed-broadcast" blog posting….

Good moanin' - Got an email from my friend Kevin C. and Doug K. - one of those "you know you're from Chicago if…" kinds of things. For someone who's only been here 14 months, I scored pretty well on their little test. I still don't know my cross-streets well enough to know where many intersections are yet (thank you, God, for MapQuest and Yahoo Driving Directions!), and I still don't know which rail stations are Amtrak and which ones are Metra. But I'm gettin' there.

Moanin' - has anybody else picked up on this? Under our current administration, we've poured an obscene amount of money into our military over the past 4 years, even excluding the war effort. (In fact, even under Br'er Clinton, we poured an obscene amount of money into that segment of our government. It's just a much bigger obscenity, now.) And yet when we hear about the various failures of equipment, communications, etc. on the battle lines in Iraq, it's all about how the equipment or the networks (or whatever) weren't good enough for battlefield operations. Thus, bad decisions got made, and more people got killed than should have (however anyone figures out what that number is supposed to be...).

Does this seem problematic to anyone else besides me? Why isn't every thinking person throwing up their windows, leaning out and screaming, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it any more!!!"? How could we spend that much money, year after year, and still have insufficient means to wage war?

The news is full of this nonsense - $70 billion more for the war voted this week; a $136 billion corporate tax-cut bill approved, as the AP wire said, "without fanfare on Air Force One, quietly signing the most sweeping rewrite of corporate tax law in nearly two decades." Wonder what the working poor (of which I am now officially a member) are getting from the White House this year? Even if we split $136 billion by the 220 million Americans who aren't at the top of the heap, that's still $618 a person...I'd take a check or EFT transfer, personally.

Moanin' - Second verse, close to the first....the news tells me that the Army has agreed to a Pentagon investigation about Halliburton deals for war contracts.

Isn't that nice? I'm so glad they agreed...

Who's running this country, anyway? Why in the name of all that's holy does the Army have to agree to anything in this case?? Just go in and investigate the mess, wouldja please? There is every indication that somebody broke more than a couple laws - and trust me, they sure as the devil would never ask me politely if I would submit to an investigation! If I even park in the wrong spot, no one hesitates to haul my car off to the impound lot. (No resentment there, you understand...) Seems to me that the old "sauce for the goose" rule ought to apply here. But "the reasonable man rule" seems never to apply to government….Grrr…

Makes me want to dust off Tom Paxton's great marching song from the Chrysler-bailout years - too bad Halliburton doesn't fit the meter...

OK, I'm done. Much more of this, and I'm gonna get toxic. (or more toxic…)

A simple prayer for morning

Uncrowd our hearts, God, until silence speaks to us in your still small voice. Turn us from the hearing of words, and the making of words, and the confusion of much speaking. Let us possess ourselves for these few brief moments undistracted, waiting, with all our hopes listening for your footsteps. (Samuel H. Miller, Prayers for Daily Use [New York: Harper & Bros., 1957], page 35)

A retro Tuesday morning....

I've been rediscovering some of my music collection, and have a mixture of Emerson Lake & Palmer, Loggins and Messina, Chicago II (the brushed-aluminum one, with "Make Me Smile"), and Earth Wind & Fire. Among the tunes currently spinning are ELP's Hoedown (their amazing adaptation of the Aaron Copland classical composition), Kenny Loggins' Celebrate Me Home, and EW&F's That's The Way of the World. (In my fantasy world, if I were ever to get the chance to go up in a glider on a clear fall day, the soundtrack for that adventure would include That's The Way of the World - quite possibly one of the most serene songs ever written.)

I suppose there are several reasons for my "retro" mood....there have been several blasts from my past in recent days, and one "close encounter" that really made me think about life, and what I've done with it so far. The "blasts from the past" have come from reconnecting with several people from my days when I was active in the Order of DeMolay, a youth fraternity, back in Toledo in the 70's and 80's. As a leader of my chapter, and later as chapter advisor, I had the blessing to encounter an amazing cross-section of high-school-aged guys from a variety of area schools. From time to time, I've wondered what ever happened to a number of them - so hearing from one young man, and the wife of another, has been a real blessing.

My "close encounter" was a brush-with death involving one of those monstrous, 70's-vintage Cadillac deVille. I was out in Naperville at a church concert, stopped for gas, pulled out into traffic, and was narrowly missed by this black Caddy driving with no lights. It was one of those "oh, $&%#" moments, when I realized how close I came to getting rammed by this rolling battering-ram. And then reflecting on what kind of damage that thing might have done to my little Camry...and to me...well, let's say it provided a significant amount of personal reflection on end-of-life issues...

The rest of the day is going to be filing new job applications, and cleaning and straightening out stuff. One interesting thing is that in my sister's move, we uncovered my father's old Argus C3 35-mm camera. When we rediscovered it, it was kind of a blast from the past, as well...but then the question became, "What do we do with it?" It turns out that in the days from 1940-1956, there were about a bizillion Argus C3's made - the camera, known as "the brick" (because of its shape and weight) was one of the most durable and (for its time) easy to use 35-mm cameras ever. The problem is, in this age of single-lens-reflex and digital photography, what do you do with a range-finder camera? I emailed one of the collectors' club reps, and his reply was, "Keep it for the bookshelf."

The problem is, I don't need any more trash on my bookshelves. I'm trying to weed out the books on my bookshelves, to be honest. I've got a couple friends who shoot black-n-white film, and perhaps they would be interested in it. Otherwise, even on Ebay people are only getting $2-$3 for 'em - it would hardly be worth putting it online. But there's still this voice in me that still says, "But it's your father's camera," like preserving it would somehow preserve his memory.

I hate that voice. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain..."

Ah, well, it's time to get back into life-or-something-like-it....

A little laughter does much for one's perception

In the process of making the rounds of my favorite bloggers, I found a delightful site which addresses the Anglican communion's Windsor Report (which primarily calls for the US Episcopal Church to apologize to their Anglican brothers, and even sisters). It's written in language, and with graphics, even I can understand. Thanks to Laura Waters Jackson for the link!

Proof of "Rule 62" - don't take yourself so !%&@ seriously.

A morning prayer

God, make a fresh start in me; shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. (Psalm 51:10, from The Message)
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Lord God, you promised that you would make all things new. Start your work with me this morning, would you?

Let the Light of the World chase the clouds from my soul, and let Your light shine in me, and through me - for of and by myself, I am a force of darkness and chaos.

Help me leave my resentments, my fears, my doubts, and my envy in Your care today, and let me walk by faith, not by sight..because on my own, I don't see too well.

Let me be Your instrument of peace, and not just a blunt instrument of my own will. May every action today be guided by Your will, and not my own self-centeredness and selfishness. You know, O Lord, which one I am most likely to choose - just help me to choose differently, today.

Remind me, minute by minute, of Your love, and your mercy - and that the people I meet today are Your children, who struggle every bit as much as I do, most days.

I cannot do any of this without Your help. So shepherd me, O God, from all my thoughts, and all my wants, and all my fears, from death into life. Amen.
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An October serving of mulligan stew

A bunch of loose topics...
The "should Kerry have mentioned Cheney's lesbian daughter?" stink - was answered, for me, for all time by Chicago Tribune columnist Eric Zorn (see it here). Short version: mentioning that Cheney's daughter is a lesbian is only "cheap and tawdry" if you feel that way about GLBT people in general. It's only shameful to talk about someone being gay if you believe it's a shameful topic. It would be just as "shameful" to mention in public that I'm overweight...it's not comfortable to hear someone say it, but hey...it's true. Move onto something more substantial, folks - there's plenty of real stuff to get excited about out there.

Chicagoans are dancing-in-the-street happy over - the reopening of 47 Chicago-area Fannie May candy stores. Since I'm not a chocolate fan, and only had Pixies around when my former wife got a box from her father, this is about as exciting to me as "How'bout dem Bears (Cubs, Bulls, Chiefs, etc...)?" Woo-hoo. But trust me - I'm happy if you're happy.

Anglicans ask for Episcopal apology - over the American Episcopal Church's ordaining a gay bishop. And I think they should, too... just as soon as the Anglican communion apologizes to the entire Christian world for what its founders did to "the sanctity of marriage." Makes one wonder whether Britney Spears is an Anglican... Grrr.

A transplant arranged by MatchingDonors.com - has been cancelled by the Denver hospital where it was to happen, over concerns about the ethics of how the transplantee/donor match was made (see the article here). The hospital administration questioned the rightness of having a for-profit Internet PR agency essentially promoting the cases of potential transplantees, thus giving an advantage in arranging an organ donation for those who are willing and able to pay to have their transplant needs publicized on a web site. I agree - only because I'm more than a little afraid of the slipperly slope of commercialism in transplants. Yes, it's true that people can't get into bidding wars over organs - yet - because paying for donated organs is illegal, so far. But this concept makes me more than a bit nervous.

Identity badges worn under the skin OK'd for health-care - so, is this a blessing to folks like me, who (as a diabetic) might be misdiagnosed about passing out in public? Or is it just the first step down the road to "the mark of the Beast," a universal identification to destroy our freedoms?

Having known of one diabetic who died in jail because she passed out in public (from low blood sugar) and was tossed in a drunk tank instead of taken to a hospital, I'm all in favor of the proposal to have a little chip set under my skin that could unlock my medical records in a flash. But several friends have told me how much this kind of technology sounds suspiciously like the brand of the Devil that is mentioned in end-times scriptures. Of course, there are darn few folks asking to trade in their cell-phones because of the GPS locators in them - not to mention all the OnStar vehicle tracking systems. (But I'm sure those are different, right?)

I guess so long as it is entirely voluntary, then those of us who could benefit from it could use it. Making it mandatory, however, would be a big deal. Wonder what Jerry Jenkins and Tim LaHaye would say about me getting a medical implant to save my life now, and whether it would damn my soul if it were made mandatory later? Nah, strike that...I can guess what they'd say.

These all may be news, but I'm sure findin' it hard to find Good News in anything I read in the news today - online, or on hard-copy. Sheesh.