...at least this one wasn't like the last one, which started off as a brief break...but somehow turned into six months away from the keyboard. Just working a lot, and not entirely firing on all cylinders, mentally or physically. But I seem to have turned the corner - or at least turned a corner...
Thanks to a few of my brother and sister bloggers, who actually cared enough to ask, "Have you fallen, and can't get up?" Happily, the answer is "No, thank God."
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Giving thanks for one brave Republican
I may as well confess this up front: for years, I have been an ardent foe of nuclear-weapons development. There is enough literature...popular and scholarly...to support my postition, so I won't belabor the reasons why, I think. But the "children of God" in the Pentagon and the current administration have continued to support the development of tactical nuclear weapons, in clear defiance of our own nuclear non-proliferation treaties.
So imagine my surprise to read this article in the Washington Post, reporting that it was a Republican, Rep. David L. Hobson of Ohio, who led the successful effort to keep the tactical-nuke programs out of the omnibus appropriations bill adopted Saturday. Hobson, in one of the wisest quotes from any Republican that I've read, said that he had been against developing smaller-yield tactical nuclear weapons precisely because someone might think it would actually be possible to use them safely in battle, without consequence or fear of escalation. (Anyone who believes this line of crap should read Greg Bear's classic Eon, which has the most devastatingly accurate projection of what would happen under those circumstances.)
My major objection to tactical nuclear weapons can be illustrated by this fairly gross image. Most people I know would object strongly to my urinating in a toilet, flushing it twice, and then offering them a drink from that (or any other) toilet...because of the relatively tiny risk of mild biological contamination. But even "small" tactical nuclear weapons will toss immense amounts of radioactive fallout into the atmosphere - and the radioactive half-life of plutonium-239 (the major component of a nuclear weapon) is just a hair over 24,000 years. Now, you might actually believe that if I dropped a "bunker-buster" mini-nuke on a fortified bunker in Iraq, that most of the fallout might be limited in scope, and only a small amount would drift across the world to our side of the globe. But using the same toilet analogy, how much deadly-radioactive plutonium in your breathing air is acceptable?
The other terrifying thought is that there are people in the world who really believe that if I use a "mini-nuke" against an enemy, that my enemy won't respond with a "small nuke," against which I'd have to retaliate with a "medium nuke," and so on, until pretty soon the whole earth is on fire. In fact, the very notion of a "controllable nuclear exchange" is the very worst kind of fiction.
Of course, we won't even talk about what half a billion dollars would do if it went into services and programs for "the least of these," instead of senseless weapons development...
So I give thanks to God for Rep. David L. Hobson of Ohio, and I'd urge you to do the same. He's gonna have a particularly hard row to hoe, after messin' in the current administration's Post Toasties. But thank God there are still some people who will vote their conscience, and not their party line.
So imagine my surprise to read this article in the Washington Post, reporting that it was a Republican, Rep. David L. Hobson of Ohio, who led the successful effort to keep the tactical-nuke programs out of the omnibus appropriations bill adopted Saturday. Hobson, in one of the wisest quotes from any Republican that I've read, said that he had been against developing smaller-yield tactical nuclear weapons precisely because someone might think it would actually be possible to use them safely in battle, without consequence or fear of escalation. (Anyone who believes this line of crap should read Greg Bear's classic Eon, which has the most devastatingly accurate projection of what would happen under those circumstances.)
My major objection to tactical nuclear weapons can be illustrated by this fairly gross image. Most people I know would object strongly to my urinating in a toilet, flushing it twice, and then offering them a drink from that (or any other) toilet...because of the relatively tiny risk of mild biological contamination. But even "small" tactical nuclear weapons will toss immense amounts of radioactive fallout into the atmosphere - and the radioactive half-life of plutonium-239 (the major component of a nuclear weapon) is just a hair over 24,000 years. Now, you might actually believe that if I dropped a "bunker-buster" mini-nuke on a fortified bunker in Iraq, that most of the fallout might be limited in scope, and only a small amount would drift across the world to our side of the globe. But using the same toilet analogy, how much deadly-radioactive plutonium in your breathing air is acceptable?
The other terrifying thought is that there are people in the world who really believe that if I use a "mini-nuke" against an enemy, that my enemy won't respond with a "small nuke," against which I'd have to retaliate with a "medium nuke," and so on, until pretty soon the whole earth is on fire. In fact, the very notion of a "controllable nuclear exchange" is the very worst kind of fiction.
Of course, we won't even talk about what half a billion dollars would do if it went into services and programs for "the least of these," instead of senseless weapons development...
So I give thanks to God for Rep. David L. Hobson of Ohio, and I'd urge you to do the same. He's gonna have a particularly hard row to hoe, after messin' in the current administration's Post Toasties. But thank God there are still some people who will vote their conscience, and not their party line.
Friday, November 19, 2004
A drizzly-morning prayer, and reflection
Day after day we pray to you, God, knowing that our words are often poor and wingless, and stumble from our hearts like strangers. Yet we continue to wait for the time when even our anguish and silence will be touched by your healing glory, and we will be one with You in peace and joy. Give us patience in these heavy- burdened days, Lord. Strengthen us to labor at Your gates mighty God, this day and every day, until those gates stand open wide and visible to all, so that every one of us can enter into communion with Your spirit. Amen.(Who's this Samuel Miller guy? Learn more here.)
(Samuel H. Miller, "Prayers for Daily Use," page 30)
It's a rainy Friday morning in Chicago. As much as I need to, I really don't want to go out in the rain, or stand in the weather waiting for the bus or the El. I'd love for my prayers to soar like eagles, or like the Concorde...high and strong and beautiful. As a wise man once said, "Some of my prayers are Concordes and some are crop-dusters" - and the scale, I'm afraid, is weighted heavily to one side. But I know that both kinds of prayer are welcome in God's sky, regardless how attractive or airworthy they might seem at the time.
My faith may seem to waver and contract with the change in the season - but through the water and the rain of this day,I have have to trust that God is hearing what I'd like to say, and hearing "the part that really matters" in everything I say or do. My heart may be heavy, but God's burdens are light. Which one will I choose? Only by God's help can I choose and live a life that would honor my Creator!
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Good Thursday moanin'
Nothing deep here today - no great "ah-ha" moments...just a case of (happily) untreated life.
Stuff I didn't know - Starting last Monday, I am spending time at the Garfield Park Conservatory - a beautiful place with some wonderful folks working to keep it beautiful. The Chicago Park District owns and maintains the building, all the plantings and the grounds, and the GPC Alliance is the organization which puts on the programs - tours, education events, you name it.
Well, in talking with one of the staff yesterday, I heard her get all excited about something. It seems she was arranging for give-aways for a volunteer appreciation event, and she was quite delighted to find that they were going to be able to "give everyone who attended their very own bag of worm castings!" And she looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to share in her joy.
"OK, I give up," I said, giving her my best "Yeah, I am a doofus" look. "What are worm castings, and why should anyone be excited about getting some?"
I had to ask, eh? Turns out worm castings are, in essence, worm poop -" that which is cast-off" from happy, well-fed worms. (Perhaps baby castings or dog castings would be better language for those by-products, as well.) At any rate, I found this web-page which describes just what a gift this, er, casting is. Turns out the Conservatory has several huge worm beds just exactly for this purpose. Wow.
Stuff I'm glad I experienced - On a much more pleasantly-fragrant note, the folks are setting up for their Holiday Flower Show, which opens the day after Thanksgiving. The GPC folks have moved half-a-dozen miniature orange trees into Horticulture Hall, and each one of them is in bloom. The beauty and delicacy of orange blossoms is a rare thing - incredibly aromatic, and proof once again that, no matter how much some folks might want it otherwise, Nature is still the best advertisement for the handiwork of God in creation. And my encounter is just a small taste of what's in store for encountering God's handiwork at Garfield Park. If you're in the Chicago area, admission is free - and worth it.
Stuff that makes me wonder "where is God in all this?" - while celebrating the endorsement of several very wonderful people I went to school with (the next step on the approval process for ordination), I heard of several folks who I would have said should have gotten endorsed, as well...who weren't. Several of them were postponed (rather than rejected, which would have been the end of the road for them) - and while it's just "not yet," instead of "go away," I certainly can sympathize with them. Because I also learned of several folks who (if I were king of the forest) would never, ever get into ministry...who just sailed through the process. It really makes one wonder.
Stuff I need to write about later on - I've been following a number of bloggers who have been questing deeper into their faith, and finding new and different answers. Some of them have changed the labels and denominations that they feel called toward - and have tickled my own thoughts about faith-formation. Three different bloggers I "know" have talked about suicide - past attempts, current thoughts, and the way that this ultimate escape tempts us (even in, and sometimes especially in - the church. And I've been thinking and reading about what "the ragamuffin church" might look like - and where it's actually happening (as well as my own experiences where it is not).
That's it for now, kids. Gotta go!
Stuff I didn't know - Starting last Monday, I am spending time at the Garfield Park Conservatory - a beautiful place with some wonderful folks working to keep it beautiful. The Chicago Park District owns and maintains the building, all the plantings and the grounds, and the GPC Alliance is the organization which puts on the programs - tours, education events, you name it.
Well, in talking with one of the staff yesterday, I heard her get all excited about something. It seems she was arranging for give-aways for a volunteer appreciation event, and she was quite delighted to find that they were going to be able to "give everyone who attended their very own bag of worm castings!" And she looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to share in her joy.
"OK, I give up," I said, giving her my best "Yeah, I am a doofus" look. "What are worm castings, and why should anyone be excited about getting some?"
I had to ask, eh? Turns out worm castings are, in essence, worm poop -" that which is cast-off" from happy, well-fed worms. (Perhaps baby castings or dog castings would be better language for those by-products, as well.) At any rate, I found this web-page which describes just what a gift this, er, casting is. Turns out the Conservatory has several huge worm beds just exactly for this purpose. Wow.
Stuff I'm glad I experienced - On a much more pleasantly-fragrant note, the folks are setting up for their Holiday Flower Show, which opens the day after Thanksgiving. The GPC folks have moved half-a-dozen miniature orange trees into Horticulture Hall, and each one of them is in bloom. The beauty and delicacy of orange blossoms is a rare thing - incredibly aromatic, and proof once again that, no matter how much some folks might want it otherwise, Nature is still the best advertisement for the handiwork of God in creation. And my encounter is just a small taste of what's in store for encountering God's handiwork at Garfield Park. If you're in the Chicago area, admission is free - and worth it.
Stuff that makes me wonder "where is God in all this?" - while celebrating the endorsement of several very wonderful people I went to school with (the next step on the approval process for ordination), I heard of several folks who I would have said should have gotten endorsed, as well...who weren't. Several of them were postponed (rather than rejected, which would have been the end of the road for them) - and while it's just "not yet," instead of "go away," I certainly can sympathize with them. Because I also learned of several folks who (if I were king of the forest) would never, ever get into ministry...who just sailed through the process. It really makes one wonder.
Stuff I need to write about later on - I've been following a number of bloggers who have been questing deeper into their faith, and finding new and different answers. Some of them have changed the labels and denominations that they feel called toward - and have tickled my own thoughts about faith-formation. Three different bloggers I "know" have talked about suicide - past attempts, current thoughts, and the way that this ultimate escape tempts us (even in, and sometimes especially in - the church. And I've been thinking and reading about what "the ragamuffin church" might look like - and where it's actually happening (as well as my own experiences where it is not).
That's it for now, kids. Gotta go!
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Looking for "my place in this world"
If there are millions down on their knees,A month ago, one of Renee/iphy's posts talked about being "in a season of waiting...in that space in-between the death and resurrection." I remember being moved to tears as I read her words, although (for better or worse) that's nothing new. (If I keep on reading Renee's stuff, I'm gonna have to purchase Puffs by the pallet-load!).
Among the many, can You still hear me?...
Hear me asking, "Where do I belong?"
Is there a vision that I can call my own?
Show me...I'm
Looking for a reason, roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world - my place in this world
Not a lot to lean on, I need Your light to help me find
My place in this world...
(Michael W. Smith, "Place In This World," from the
1990 CD Go West, Young Man
Like that old Roberta Flack tune, she was "singin' my life with [her] words." I really identified with this image: "my only prayer is that somehow there is a presence in my emptiness. that somehow there is a holiness in my moments of breathing, of cupped-open hands, in this long waiting i find myself living in." As I've found with all Renee's writing, the stuff this posting helped me dredge up was not comfortable...but was dead-on, nonetheless. (Thank you again, my sister - I think...)
It happened again tonight.
At an AA meeting on the north side of Chicago, God spoke through a man celebrating 30 years of sobriety, when he said, "Now that I'm retired, I am trying to figure out who I am outside of being just a-guy-with-a-career." As he said that, I had one of those "cosmic V-8 moments," and I finally came to understand at least a part of why I've been "stuck" where I am...
In leaving Kansas City, I not only left my job and my address, I left my identity (as a friend among friends, a committed member of powerful communities of faith and recovery, and as a worker among workers) in order to pursue seminary and ordained ministry. In effect, I swapped one identity for another.
Now that it's clear that I won't be able to do the ordained ministry path (at least not for a long while, anyway), the question is: so who is Steve, now, apart from the telecom/church/recovery guy, and apart from ordained ministry? So far, the terrifying answer (the answer I really would rather choke on my own vomit than admit) is this: "For the most part, I don't know."
I hate that.
There is, however, light among the clouds. I may be seeing dimly, but I am not entirely in the "can't-buy-a-clue" column. I know that I know and love Jesus, in a clear and powerful way... even when I struggle to pray, let alone meditate (especially about this topic). I know that by God's grace, I am a sober person in recovery - even when going through these changes, and these doubts, has made a drink sound like a real good idea at times. I know that no matter what denomination or setting I end up in, I will always be Lutheran enough to understand the balance of faith and works as my brother and pastor Joe Crowther put it: "What are you called to do, now that you don't have to do anything?"
And I also know that God has given me these gifts, and these bits of knowledge, for a reason. I'm a pretty darned good actor, but I really couldn't manage to fool all of you, for all this time. So there's got to be something about all this that is beyond just "what I feel." The testimony of the saints vastly over-trumps that one small group of church folk who told me that I have no gifts for ministry, just because I'm deeply in debt.
So what next?
For way too many years, my friend Eric Amundson has been telling me that he didn't see my path in congregational ministry - and that writing was going to be a part of whatever I ended up doing. I'm finally coming to agree with him - both from his own encouraging, that of a number of my friends both in Kansas City and at LSTC, and from the support of a number of new friends in the blogosphere (Rick, Drew, and others) - all of whom have continued to both open my mind and kick my nether-regions when I've needed it. I wanted you to know that I have heard you all.
I'm just grateful to God for each of you - for your prayers, for your encouragement and feedback...and for your putting up with my whining and questioning ad nauseum. (Well, all of you except for my brother Mike Moore - who keeps reminding me that the best place to find "sympathy" is between "sewage" and "syphillis" in the dictionary. Ditto for Eric's dad Jerry, who would second that notion...)
But, to be rigorously honest, I also hope I get some kind of clue about which way to go before I end up I completely broke. (Which ain't too far away, right now. I'm not there yet...but I can see it from here...) "I owe, I owe, so off to work I go..."
Monday, November 15, 2004
Which wolf am I feeding?
An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me...It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride and superiority. The other wolf stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside of you and every other person too."I first heard this story from a Cherokee storyteller at the National Storytelling Festival, nearly 20 years ago. (An aside: My sister says you can tell you're "getting old" when you start measuring time in decades. Grrr...)
They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied..."The one I feed."
God's infinite sense of humor comes into play because a friend from Ohio sent me this story via email tonight, as I've been pondering why I find blogging such an important part of my life, right now. As with the two wolves, there are two major motivations for doing this.
The first is more selfless - and is really an extension of AA's 12th step:
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.Most of what I share here is my own encounters - with God, with the communities of recovery and faith, and with the incredible messy journey that is daily living. So some of what I share is closer to the sacred, and some of it is much closer to the profane...but I can't help think of all of it as "holy." Because in the end, I'm sharing my experience, strength and hope about my encounters with God's world and God's kids, in all the messy-ness and order, all the ugliness and beauty that is "life." Several of you have responded to me, saying that you found inspiration (or, at the very least, you have identified with thoughts and feelings that we've had in common) - which has been the answer to many a prayer of mine.
The other part of my blogging personality, however, is completely self-centered, self-seeking, and self-absorbed, and is vastly more interested than being heard than in hearing. It's the part that secretly hopes that you'll just be bowled away by what you read here... the part that checks my own SiteMeter details to see just who is reading me more often than I'd like to admit. In a sad way, it is a part of me that never grew up, and is still the kid who was standing at the side of the gym at junior high dances, waiting to be noticed...the high-school and college guy who would do almost anything to be "a part of" rather than "apart from." I understand that part of me; I just don't like it very much.
It is precisely this person who was much annoyed over the weekend, when a blog-reader emailed, and said what a wonderful job I was doing...and then wrote back a minute and said, in effect, "Oops...I really thought you were somebody else." :-|
Which part will win? "The part that I feed," I guess. And there are days that I'm not sure which side I'm on...both wolves can look very much like each other, at times. Only God will know for sure - so I'm going to trust an old truth that Tom Housholder once told me about the source of my inspiration: "If it's good, it's God...and if it's slop, it's probably Steve."
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Love is patient, love is kind...
Just in case anyone has forgotten, shall we turn our virtual pew bibles to Matthew 22:36-40(NIV)?
"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."Just wanted to make sure we understand what this Jesus guy thinks of how we're supposed to treat our relationships with God and each other. Now, let's hear a portion of a letter to our re-crowned President from a brother in Christ, quoted in the NY Times today (Sunday) by Maureen Dowd:
Bob Jones III, president of the fundamentalist college of the same name, has written a letter to the president telling him that "Christ has allowed you to be his servant" so he could "leave an imprint for righteousness," by appointing conservative judges and approving legislation "defined by biblical norm."As Ms. Dowd, wrote, "Way harsh." Excuse me while I put in my order for the T-shirt that says, "Yes, I'm a Christian....just not one of them."
"In your re-election, God has graciously granted America - though she doesn't deserve it - a reprieve from the agenda of paganism," Mr. Jones wrote. "Put your agenda on the front burner and let it boil. You owe the liberals nothing. They despise you because they despise your Christ."
The shepherds are senseless and do not inquire of the LORD ;
so they do not prosper and all their flock is scattered.
(Jeremiah 10:21, NIV)
Reflecting on being a ragamuffin
I was going to post this over on my friend Drew's blog, but I guess I wanted to put it here instead...because it speaks to where I am, as well as (hopefully) speaking to him.
I believe one of the reason so many people identify with Brennan Manning (the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel and Abba's Child, among others) is that he is willing to name the monsters within. He picks up "the stranger" that I'd really rather not let anyone else see, and parades him around naked on the front porch. And in so doing, he lets me know that I'm not alone. I'm just like him. (And, if you identify with him, just like you, too.)
One of the things that I appreciate about ragamuffins is that when they name their ugliness amongst themselves, it seems to help defuse the self-hatred and shame that goes with it. It's as if Manning says to me, "Hey, you ever feel like this? Then welcome, buddy - sounds like you're one of us. Or we're one of you. Or something." It makes it harder for me to believe that I'm isolated and unique, even as I'm ashamed of how I feel, or how I fail, or how I react. (Folks in recovery frequently say, "You're terminally unique... just like everybody else.")
This may sound funny, but I'd aspire to be as internally monstrous as Brennan Manning is, was, or ever has been. Because, in the end, God's grace was (and is) sufficient for him...so it would be "enough" for me, too.
I have to be reminded - often, and loudly - that John 3:16 does NOT say, "God so loved the world that He threw open the gates of heaven, and stood at the gateway, tapping His foot, waiting for us mortals to make an agonizing climb up the rope ladder He threw down to us." At a conference once, I heard a speaker say, "Imagine Jesus up there, on the very top row of the stadium, and you're way down here on the floor. Does he call to you and say, 'Come on up'? Or does Jesus say, 'Wait there - I want to be with you so much that I'm coming down to GET you!'"
Trust me - in April of this year, when I heard from my candidacy committee that I should, in essence, "Don't go away mad - just go away," it sure felt like failure. It felt like the church - the assembled Body of Christ - had said, in essence, "Screw you! We don't *want* you, and we don't NEED you." Even now, after 6 months of futzing around, it still feels like that, a little bit. And it's even worse because, financially, I had just one shot at this. I spent nearly 5 years of accumulated capital so that I could move to Chicago, and devote myself to full-time study for ministry. Nine months later, I was essentially told that I never should have come here, because the financial sins in my past negated any gifts I had for ministry. (And yes, they were that direct.)
That can make you feel like a failure, let me tell you...
I have had to be reminded (repeatedly) of a line from a Caedmon's Call's song, "Table for Two" - "...You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden/And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt." If I didn't believe that God's will was in the middle of this somewhere, I would have chalked-it-up a long time ago.
One of my anchor verses - the Scripture to which I tie-down in stormy times - says "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Hear those 9 words, a little more clearly: while I was, and still continue to be, a monumental, selfish, self-seeking screwup - "Christ died for us." Not just for them - those fictional people who I keep believing have their spiritual, mental, and emotional poop all in a group. For "us"...you, and me.
Do I think that the coldness of the few prayers I want to pray pleases God? Heck, no!
Do I think that God wants - desires - more from me? Absolutely.
Do I think that God looks at my own self-destructive behaviors and obsessions and addictions, and says, "Awww...isn't that cute?" Nope.
But do I think that I can somehow fail the One who spoke the story of the prodigal son? Is there really some obscure footnote in my Bible (or yours) that says, "This passage is appropriate and greatly helpful for most people, but it really doesn't apply to poor, hopeless, helpless, sinful and backsliding sons-o-guns like Steve"?
No way. (Trust me...I've looked. Carefully. Repeatedly.)
To steal a great truth from Max Lucado's Six Hours One Friday: The grace, and love, and forgiveness of Jesus Christ are present in the outstreched arms of Jesus, mirroring the welcoming arms of the prodigal father. Those arms opened wide for all of humanity, for all time - including for you and me.
And to make sure those arms would never, ever close...
...he had them nailed that way.
I believe one of the reason so many people identify with Brennan Manning (the author of The Ragamuffin Gospel and Abba's Child, among others) is that he is willing to name the monsters within. He picks up "the stranger" that I'd really rather not let anyone else see, and parades him around naked on the front porch. And in so doing, he lets me know that I'm not alone. I'm just like him. (And, if you identify with him, just like you, too.)
One of the things that I appreciate about ragamuffins is that when they name their ugliness amongst themselves, it seems to help defuse the self-hatred and shame that goes with it. It's as if Manning says to me, "Hey, you ever feel like this? Then welcome, buddy - sounds like you're one of us. Or we're one of you. Or something." It makes it harder for me to believe that I'm isolated and unique, even as I'm ashamed of how I feel, or how I fail, or how I react. (Folks in recovery frequently say, "You're terminally unique... just like everybody else.")
This may sound funny, but I'd aspire to be as internally monstrous as Brennan Manning is, was, or ever has been. Because, in the end, God's grace was (and is) sufficient for him...so it would be "enough" for me, too.
I have to be reminded - often, and loudly - that John 3:16 does NOT say, "God so loved the world that He threw open the gates of heaven, and stood at the gateway, tapping His foot, waiting for us mortals to make an agonizing climb up the rope ladder He threw down to us." At a conference once, I heard a speaker say, "Imagine Jesus up there, on the very top row of the stadium, and you're way down here on the floor. Does he call to you and say, 'Come on up'? Or does Jesus say, 'Wait there - I want to be with you so much that I'm coming down to GET you!'"
Trust me - in April of this year, when I heard from my candidacy committee that I should, in essence, "Don't go away mad - just go away," it sure felt like failure. It felt like the church - the assembled Body of Christ - had said, in essence, "Screw you! We don't *want* you, and we don't NEED you." Even now, after 6 months of futzing around, it still feels like that, a little bit. And it's even worse because, financially, I had just one shot at this. I spent nearly 5 years of accumulated capital so that I could move to Chicago, and devote myself to full-time study for ministry. Nine months later, I was essentially told that I never should have come here, because the financial sins in my past negated any gifts I had for ministry. (And yes, they were that direct.)
That can make you feel like a failure, let me tell you...
I have had to be reminded (repeatedly) of a line from a Caedmon's Call's song, "Table for Two" - "...You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden/And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt." If I didn't believe that God's will was in the middle of this somewhere, I would have chalked-it-up a long time ago.
One of my anchor verses - the Scripture to which I tie-down in stormy times - says "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Hear those 9 words, a little more clearly: while I was, and still continue to be, a monumental, selfish, self-seeking screwup - "Christ died for us." Not just for them - those fictional people who I keep believing have their spiritual, mental, and emotional poop all in a group. For "us"...you, and me.
Do I think that the coldness of the few prayers I want to pray pleases God? Heck, no!
Do I think that God wants - desires - more from me? Absolutely.
Do I think that God looks at my own self-destructive behaviors and obsessions and addictions, and says, "Awww...isn't that cute?" Nope.
But do I think that I can somehow fail the One who spoke the story of the prodigal son? Is there really some obscure footnote in my Bible (or yours) that says, "This passage is appropriate and greatly helpful for most people, but it really doesn't apply to poor, hopeless, helpless, sinful and backsliding sons-o-guns like Steve"?
No way. (Trust me...I've looked. Carefully. Repeatedly.)
To steal a great truth from Max Lucado's Six Hours One Friday: The grace, and love, and forgiveness of Jesus Christ are present in the outstreched arms of Jesus, mirroring the welcoming arms of the prodigal father. Those arms opened wide for all of humanity, for all time - including for you and me.
And to make sure those arms would never, ever close...
...he had them nailed that way.
"Let your light shine before others" - The National Donor Sabbath
On Thursday, I had the blessing to be able to meet with Mike Henderson, the education director of Gift of Hope, the main organ/tissue donor network in Illinois. I've talked about how important I think this is in the past, so I won't bore you (you can check out my earlier post here.) But here's why I keep harping on this - and why I think this is a big deal:
I believe that organ and tissue donation is the ultimate expression of charity and love for one's neighbor. It is as Biblical a practice as you can find - and it is also a place where the actions of a faith community can become really, really relevant to the unchurched world. When we encourage donation of organs and tissues, those donations help "our neighbors" - all of them. Christian or Muslim, churched or unchurched, regardless of color, creed, sexual orientation, economic standing - none of that matters, in this case. Organ and tissue donation becomes the one truly selfless act of charity and love that we can take.
Here is some critical information, that should be known especially by people of faith everywhere:
Only 5% (one out of 20!) of all registered organ & tissue donors will likely be able to donate organs. It's a complicated issue - but basically, if a potential donor dies a "cardiac" death (e.g., heart attack, most disease processes, old age) the organs do not stay viable enough for transplant. Tissues are still OK (eyes, skin, blood vessels), but not organs (heart, kindey, lungs, liver, etc). Only the 5% (or so) of people who die "brain death" - stroke, aneurysm, some type of trauma that causes brain death, but where a person's organs can be sustained on a ventilator - can actually donate those organs. So it's critical that everybody who possibly can sign up as an organ-donor actually does sign up - just to make that 5% as big as possible!
Family support is critical! Nationwide, only about 50% of the people who actually signed their drivers' licenses, or universal-donor cards, ever get to donate - because no matter what, the donor's family has the last word on whether donation happens or not!! You can be "on the table," with a signed and witnessed organ-donor card, but if the family says "no," that's it. Period. That's why it's so important that you get your family members to be the "witnesses" on a driver's license or an organ-donor card, and why you need to tell them what you want, and how important it is to you.
Almost every major faith tradition supports organ and tissue donation. This is what I spent most of my time talking with Mike Henderson about - the fact that churches (and especially seminaries!) need to educate potential chaplains, pastors, teachers, Stephen Ministers, and anyone-who-will-listen about their faith traditions' stand on organ and tissue donation. You can go here to the Gift of Hope clergy resources, and see how various religious traditions view organ and tissue donations, as well as "10 ways you can help."
Mike pointed out an important concept to me... one that it seems almost no one understands. Deciding about organ and tissue donation - the gift of life and hope to those who live on after we die - is as much a part of "end of life decisions" as funeral planning, buying insurance, or a living will. The time to decide about being an organ/tissue donor is not when you, or your spouse, child, parent or friend is lying in ICU on a ventilator! Many times, baseless fears about preserving the physical completeness of one's body (sometimes, based on fears about jeopardizing "the resurrection of the body") prevents people of faith from donating organs and tissues.
The second Sunday before Thanksgiving is always the observance of The National Donor Sabbath. Please - put it on your church's worship and education planning calendars for next year. Wherever you are, find your local organ-donor network at The Coalition on Donation, and hook up with them. Look at how your faith community can partner with schools and civic organizations to build participation and awareness for this worthy cause. What a simple way for communities of faith to say, "Our faith and our beliefs matter - not just inside this building, but out in the world!"
My own ongoing crusade will be to reach out through the Association of Chicago Theological Schools (the ACTS consortium) to try to get this message out to every person who's preparing for clinical pastoral education (CPE) sessions. The 12 ACTS-member seminaries have almost 2,500 students - a significant number of them headed toward pastoral or chaplaincy roles. Those students, along with faculty and staff, could be an incredible resource in breaking down walls of ignorance about this topic. And let's face it - who will end up involved in end-of-life situations more than these people will?
I believe that organ and tissue donation is the ultimate expression of charity and love for one's neighbor. It is as Biblical a practice as you can find - and it is also a place where the actions of a faith community can become really, really relevant to the unchurched world. When we encourage donation of organs and tissues, those donations help "our neighbors" - all of them. Christian or Muslim, churched or unchurched, regardless of color, creed, sexual orientation, economic standing - none of that matters, in this case. Organ and tissue donation becomes the one truly selfless act of charity and love that we can take.
Here is some critical information, that should be known especially by people of faith everywhere:
Only 5% (one out of 20!) of all registered organ & tissue donors will likely be able to donate organs. It's a complicated issue - but basically, if a potential donor dies a "cardiac" death (e.g., heart attack, most disease processes, old age) the organs do not stay viable enough for transplant. Tissues are still OK (eyes, skin, blood vessels), but not organs (heart, kindey, lungs, liver, etc). Only the 5% (or so) of people who die "brain death" - stroke, aneurysm, some type of trauma that causes brain death, but where a person's organs can be sustained on a ventilator - can actually donate those organs. So it's critical that everybody who possibly can sign up as an organ-donor actually does sign up - just to make that 5% as big as possible!
Family support is critical! Nationwide, only about 50% of the people who actually signed their drivers' licenses, or universal-donor cards, ever get to donate - because no matter what, the donor's family has the last word on whether donation happens or not!! You can be "on the table," with a signed and witnessed organ-donor card, but if the family says "no," that's it. Period. That's why it's so important that you get your family members to be the "witnesses" on a driver's license or an organ-donor card, and why you need to tell them what you want, and how important it is to you.
Almost every major faith tradition supports organ and tissue donation. This is what I spent most of my time talking with Mike Henderson about - the fact that churches (and especially seminaries!) need to educate potential chaplains, pastors, teachers, Stephen Ministers, and anyone-who-will-listen about their faith traditions' stand on organ and tissue donation. You can go here to the Gift of Hope clergy resources, and see how various religious traditions view organ and tissue donations, as well as "10 ways you can help."
Mike pointed out an important concept to me... one that it seems almost no one understands. Deciding about organ and tissue donation - the gift of life and hope to those who live on after we die - is as much a part of "end of life decisions" as funeral planning, buying insurance, or a living will. The time to decide about being an organ/tissue donor is not when you, or your spouse, child, parent or friend is lying in ICU on a ventilator! Many times, baseless fears about preserving the physical completeness of one's body (sometimes, based on fears about jeopardizing "the resurrection of the body") prevents people of faith from donating organs and tissues.
The second Sunday before Thanksgiving is always the observance of The National Donor Sabbath. Please - put it on your church's worship and education planning calendars for next year. Wherever you are, find your local organ-donor network at The Coalition on Donation, and hook up with them. Look at how your faith community can partner with schools and civic organizations to build participation and awareness for this worthy cause. What a simple way for communities of faith to say, "Our faith and our beliefs matter - not just inside this building, but out in the world!"
My own ongoing crusade will be to reach out through the Association of Chicago Theological Schools (the ACTS consortium) to try to get this message out to every person who's preparing for clinical pastoral education (CPE) sessions. The 12 ACTS-member seminaries have almost 2,500 students - a significant number of them headed toward pastoral or chaplaincy roles. Those students, along with faculty and staff, could be an incredible resource in breaking down walls of ignorance about this topic. And let's face it - who will end up involved in end-of-life situations more than these people will?
Saturday, November 13, 2004
I wouldn't have guessed this - not at first, anyway...
But it's close, I guess...check it out for yourself...thanks to Bobbie for the clue-in!
What Common Breed of Dog Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
What Common Breed of Dog Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Life imitates art...again...or still
OK, so I never was much of a fan of author/director Terry Southern - best known for "Easy Rider" and "Dr. Strangelove." I only vaguely remember the movie "The Magic Christian," which is neither about magic nor Christians, really.
But as this Washington Post article shows, Southern's art is very, very much the vogue, decades after he was largely declared to be a non-event in the media world. Reading this article, I wonder why one of these hopeless "reality" shows hasn't stolen a page out of Southern's playbook.
Or maybe they have.
[As an aside...if I'd known that "Dr. Strangelove" was (in the word's of Southern's web site) "John Kerry's favorite movie," would it have changed my vote?...hmmm....]
But as this Washington Post article shows, Southern's art is very, very much the vogue, decades after he was largely declared to be a non-event in the media world. Reading this article, I wonder why one of these hopeless "reality" shows hasn't stolen a page out of Southern's playbook.
Or maybe they have.
[As an aside...if I'd known that "Dr. Strangelove" was (in the word's of Southern's web site) "John Kerry's favorite movie," would it have changed my vote?...hmmm....]
So you don't think write-in votes can change the world?
Don't tell the folks in San Diego that. They know better. Click here to see the story. (You'll probably have to register - for free - but it's worth it.)
Thank you, Donna Frye, for the courage to change the things you can.
Thank you, Donna Frye, for the courage to change the things you can.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Getting angry at "what sucks"
I've found quite a number of kindred spirits out here in the blogosphere. One of them who consistently probes the balloon of my self-image and beliefs with a sharp needle is Rick, author of a new life emerging. The other day, he posted this entry entitled "Focusing on What Sucks... Sucks." It's definitely worth reading - and since my attitude, when I read it, was closer to "raw-sewage-brown" than "blue-sky," it was exactly what I needed to read at the time... and I told Rick so. (I find that God's economy is pretty amazing, that way...when the student is finally ready to hear, the teacher appears.)
However, this afternoon I read something by Chris over here at Radio Rebellion about the Iraqi war, and it just set me off. This topic has the ability to fire me up like few others...as you can no doubt tell from my comments/sermon/rant at the bottom of his post.
I know, in my heart, that anger and resentment are poisonous to me. I can stay in the negative, and just spiral down into hopelessness, helplessness, and rage - in a New York minute. The book Alocholics Anonymous tell me that
You see, for better or worse, I am a child of the 60's and 70's. There was an awful lot of Peter Paul & Mary, Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie mixed in with my rock-&-roll diet. There didn't seem to be a single neighborhood that was untouched by the Vietnam war - no church that had not had a flag-draped casket in its sanctuary. Even though I was only five when Martin Luther King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, I came to understand that racism was something worth getting angry about, and racial injustice needed to stop. As a teen, one of my mentors was Bob Walker, a youth-group advisor who often used the supposed-Buddhist acronym ITCTWWSOFCN - which he translated as "impossible to change the world while sitting on fanny contemplating navel."
Even in my brief sortie into seminary life, I have encountered folks like Heidi Neumark (read a wonderful interview with her here), Ed Chambers, Kim Bobo and the National Interfaith Council for Worker Justice and a whole bunch of folks like them, who believe that anger over injustice, and taking action to right those injustices, is part and parcel of where Jesus calls them in their faith walk.
Nicky Gumbel, one of the central figures in the Alpha Program, starts the first recorded talk of the Alpha series with "Christianity: Boring, Irrelevant, Untrue?" We will talk about charges 1 and 3 later, but for me, #2 was definitely true. What I found in church seemed completely irrelevant to what I was living and breathing at the time. And even though much of that was formed as a rebellious teenager, I have to say that much of my experience in the church today echoes that experience.
I have to believe that if the Church - emergent, pre-emergent, mainline, you name it - is going to remain relevant in the world, we need to continue to understand that following Christ isn't defending the world from the GLBT community, and it isn't ensuring the permanence of one-man-and-one-woman. It means two Great Commandments, and one Great Commission - and being willing to take a stand on what doesn't fit into that very, very large spiritual triangle.
And, as an old friend would say, "that's worth gettin' het-up about."
That's probably not the last word I'm gonna write on this...but for now, it'll do.
However, this afternoon I read something by Chris over here at Radio Rebellion about the Iraqi war, and it just set me off. This topic has the ability to fire me up like few others...as you can no doubt tell from my comments/sermon/rant at the bottom of his post.
I know, in my heart, that anger and resentment are poisonous to me. I can stay in the negative, and just spiral down into hopelessness, helplessness, and rage - in a New York minute. The book Alocholics Anonymous tell me that
Resentment is the "number one" offender... From it stem all forms of spiritual disease...It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while... [For those] whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. (Alcoholics Anonymous, chapter 5, pages 64, 66)And later on, it also clearly says that
We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. (chapter 9, page 132)My struggle is, how do I get angry at injustice, at injury, at actions and beliefs which are clearly against the greater good, and stir up resistance to evil... and at the same time, maintain my sanity and serenity, without which I'm as good as dead?
You see, for better or worse, I am a child of the 60's and 70's. There was an awful lot of Peter Paul & Mary, Pete Seeger and Arlo Guthrie mixed in with my rock-&-roll diet. There didn't seem to be a single neighborhood that was untouched by the Vietnam war - no church that had not had a flag-draped casket in its sanctuary. Even though I was only five when Martin Luther King delivered his famous "I Have a Dream" speech, I came to understand that racism was something worth getting angry about, and racial injustice needed to stop. As a teen, one of my mentors was Bob Walker, a youth-group advisor who often used the supposed-Buddhist acronym ITCTWWSOFCN - which he translated as "impossible to change the world while sitting on fanny contemplating navel."
Even in my brief sortie into seminary life, I have encountered folks like Heidi Neumark (read a wonderful interview with her here), Ed Chambers, Kim Bobo and the National Interfaith Council for Worker Justice and a whole bunch of folks like them, who believe that anger over injustice, and taking action to right those injustices, is part and parcel of where Jesus calls them in their faith walk.
Nicky Gumbel, one of the central figures in the Alpha Program, starts the first recorded talk of the Alpha series with "Christianity: Boring, Irrelevant, Untrue?" We will talk about charges 1 and 3 later, but for me, #2 was definitely true. What I found in church seemed completely irrelevant to what I was living and breathing at the time. And even though much of that was formed as a rebellious teenager, I have to say that much of my experience in the church today echoes that experience.
I have to believe that if the Church - emergent, pre-emergent, mainline, you name it - is going to remain relevant in the world, we need to continue to understand that following Christ isn't defending the world from the GLBT community, and it isn't ensuring the permanence of one-man-and-one-woman. It means two Great Commandments, and one Great Commission - and being willing to take a stand on what doesn't fit into that very, very large spiritual triangle.
And, as an old friend would say, "that's worth gettin' het-up about."
That's probably not the last word I'm gonna write on this...but for now, it'll do.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Veterans Day: "A Pittance of Time"
Take two minutes...to remember.
Our neighbors in Canada (where Veterans Day is "Remembrance Day") have produced a beautiful video about remembering veterans. Follow this link to read the story, and watch the video...it's worth every minute. I admit that I can be a weepy sap at times, but this one brought unashamed tears to my eyes. Spread it around, girls and boys.
And, if you're traveling this weekend, and see one of our servicemen (and women) as you go, stop and tell them what another blogger suggested: "I'm grateful for your service."
I don't have to agree with the policies that started - or perpetuate - this war, or any other. But I'm very, very grateful for the men and women who believe enough to put their lives on the line.
To every person who has ever served in the armed forces, in any capacity: "thank you" is a poor substitute for the gratitude in my heart for you. I hope my life and my faith can in some way be a repayment for your service.
Happy Veterans Day.
Our neighbors in Canada (where Veterans Day is "Remembrance Day") have produced a beautiful video about remembering veterans. Follow this link to read the story, and watch the video...it's worth every minute. I admit that I can be a weepy sap at times, but this one brought unashamed tears to my eyes. Spread it around, girls and boys.
And, if you're traveling this weekend, and see one of our servicemen (and women) as you go, stop and tell them what another blogger suggested: "I'm grateful for your service."
I don't have to agree with the policies that started - or perpetuate - this war, or any other. But I'm very, very grateful for the men and women who believe enough to put their lives on the line.
To every person who has ever served in the armed forces, in any capacity: "thank you" is a poor substitute for the gratitude in my heart for you. I hope my life and my faith can in some way be a repayment for your service.
Happy Veterans Day.
A mix of really good/weird/cool news
Good news/bad news: It seems I am going back to work on Monday. Bad news is, they only pay on the 15th and 30th, so I still need some money before then. God, help me never to get in this situation again, huh?
Weird news: This quote from Micah Jackson's blog caught my eye: It seems that, fed up with their working conditions, clergy in Canada’s United Church have decided to try collective bargaining. And, they’ve decided to join up with the Canadian Auto Workers Union. No, I am not kidding.
Cool news: Have stuff you want to get rid of? Willing to let it go for free to a good home or cause? Then you need to check out FreeCycle!
It's a group of Yahoo mail groups that post stuff that is available, or stuff that is wanted, and exchange things, all for free. I heard about it on another blog, went to their site, and found that the ChicagoFreeCycle group has been up for more than a year.
I had my dad's old Argus C3 rangefinder camera - but I've already got an SLR and a digital camera, so I really didn't need it - but I didn't want to just throw it away (and ebay would only offer a couple bucks for it). But I posted it on FreeCycle, and from 1 AM to 8 AM, I got 12 requests for it! One is a young man who's getting into photography again, and his story sounded best of all of 'em. Very worthwhile - I'm a believer! (If you join, DO read the emails about posting frequency. Your inbox could get flooded if you don't.)
That's it - I'm off and running. (Well, I've been "off" for some time, and as for "running," it's more like a slow trot. You know what I mean.)
Weird news: This quote from Micah Jackson's blog caught my eye: It seems that, fed up with their working conditions, clergy in Canada’s United Church have decided to try collective bargaining. And, they’ve decided to join up with the Canadian Auto Workers Union. No, I am not kidding.
Cool news: Have stuff you want to get rid of? Willing to let it go for free to a good home or cause? Then you need to check out FreeCycle!
It's a group of Yahoo mail groups that post stuff that is available, or stuff that is wanted, and exchange things, all for free. I heard about it on another blog, went to their site, and found that the ChicagoFreeCycle group has been up for more than a year.
I had my dad's old Argus C3 rangefinder camera - but I've already got an SLR and a digital camera, so I really didn't need it - but I didn't want to just throw it away (and ebay would only offer a couple bucks for it). But I posted it on FreeCycle, and from 1 AM to 8 AM, I got 12 requests for it! One is a young man who's getting into photography again, and his story sounded best of all of 'em. Very worthwhile - I'm a believer! (If you join, DO read the emails about posting frequency. Your inbox could get flooded if you don't.)
That's it - I'm off and running. (Well, I've been "off" for some time, and as for "running," it's more like a slow trot. You know what I mean.)
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
These are not my words...
...but they bring great hope for me...and perhaps for you, too. It seems I found this exactly when I needed to find it.
This is a quote from CS Lewis, taken from Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, (chapter 21, para 2, 4, 6-7, 10-12, 16) which are excerpted in Wayne Martindale & Jerry Root's classic The Quotable Lewis, under the heading "Devotions". (By the by - if you're going to own one CS Lewis book, get this one. It's amazing...)
In hearing Lewis' words, I find hope that my own faith is not so singularly weak as I would suspect. And hearing his rigorous honesty about his struggle with his prayer and devotional life, I find encouragement that this is not something that I struggle with, alone. So step up to the microphone, Br'er Lewis:
><>
The truth is, I haven't any language weak enough to depict the weakness of my spiritual life. If I weakened it enough it would cease to be language at all. As when you try to turn the gas-ring [burner on a gas stove]a little lower still, and it merely goes out.
...Prayer is irksome. An excuse to omit it is never unwelcome. When it is over, this casts a feeling of relief and holiday over the rest of the day. We are reluctant to begin. We are delighted to finish. While we are at prayer, but not while we are reading a novel or solving a cross-word puzzle, any trifle is enough to distract us...
The odd thing is that this reluctance to pray is not confined to periods of dryness. When yesterday's prayers were full of comfort and exaltation, todays will still be felt as, in some degree, a burden....What can be done for - or what should be done with - a rose-tree that dislikes producing roses? Surely it ought to want to?...
The painful effort which prayer involves is no proof that we are doing something we were not created to do...I must say my prayers today whether I feel devout or not; but that is only as I must learn my grammar if I am ever to read the poets.
...I have a notion that what seem our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling and contend with the greatest disinclination. For these, perhaps, being nearly all will, come from a deeper level than feeling.
><>
For the gift of honesty, for the gift of language - and for the gift of speaking from the heart, even when it hurts - I give thanks for CS Lewis today, Lord. Amen.
This is a quote from CS Lewis, taken from Letters to Malcolm: Chiefly on Prayer, (chapter 21, para 2, 4, 6-7, 10-12, 16) which are excerpted in Wayne Martindale & Jerry Root's classic The Quotable Lewis, under the heading "Devotions". (By the by - if you're going to own one CS Lewis book, get this one. It's amazing...)
In hearing Lewis' words, I find hope that my own faith is not so singularly weak as I would suspect. And hearing his rigorous honesty about his struggle with his prayer and devotional life, I find encouragement that this is not something that I struggle with, alone. So step up to the microphone, Br'er Lewis:
><>
The truth is, I haven't any language weak enough to depict the weakness of my spiritual life. If I weakened it enough it would cease to be language at all. As when you try to turn the gas-ring [burner on a gas stove]a little lower still, and it merely goes out.
...Prayer is irksome. An excuse to omit it is never unwelcome. When it is over, this casts a feeling of relief and holiday over the rest of the day. We are reluctant to begin. We are delighted to finish. While we are at prayer, but not while we are reading a novel or solving a cross-word puzzle, any trifle is enough to distract us...
The odd thing is that this reluctance to pray is not confined to periods of dryness. When yesterday's prayers were full of comfort and exaltation, todays will still be felt as, in some degree, a burden....What can be done for - or what should be done with - a rose-tree that dislikes producing roses? Surely it ought to want to?...
The painful effort which prayer involves is no proof that we are doing something we were not created to do...I must say my prayers today whether I feel devout or not; but that is only as I must learn my grammar if I am ever to read the poets.
...I have a notion that what seem our worst prayers may really be, in God's eyes, our best. Those, I mean, which are least supported by devotional feeling and contend with the greatest disinclination. For these, perhaps, being nearly all will, come from a deeper level than feeling.
><>
For the gift of honesty, for the gift of language - and for the gift of speaking from the heart, even when it hurts - I give thanks for CS Lewis today, Lord. Amen.
A Tuesday morning prayer
Teach us, God, how to be humble in praying, though we may not kneel; how to turn our sight to the inner world of life as we close our eyes; how to cease from restless labors while we fold our hands in peace. If, in prayer, your mercy comes like healing on our unquiet hearts, teach us how to share it with one another. If life has left us shaken, be a rock for our questing feet. If we have grown confused amid the storm of circumstance, be a mighty peace steadying our hands and hearts. Be with us, we ask you, for Christ's sake. Amen. (Samuel H. Miller, Prayers For Daily Use (NY: Harper & Bros., 1957), p. 27.)(Who's Samuel Miller? Check it out here.)
Monday, November 08, 2004
A night for mulligan stew
Lots of random neurons firing tonight - no concerted grand opus of philosophy tonight. Definitely in 4-wheel "ragamuffin" mode...
Employment: After some steady temporary employment, I have again hit a dearth of income. This is getting ridiculous. At this rate, I'm not going to be able to stay in this city much longer. And maybe...just maybe...that is the message that I haven't wanted to hear. I don't know...there is such promise here, and I am finally starting to see some light in "recovery" from my depression and spiritual struggles. But I can't take much more of this financial insecurity...it really is a spirit-crusher. And the longer I go without work, and the further behind I get, the more hopeless it looks. It's just getting hard to suit up and show up, as they say. More interviews tomorrow - 8:30 and 10 AM, 1:00 PM CDt. We'll see.
Election aftermath: I almost hate reading the news - especially as I hear the loving "Who's yo' daddy?!?" talk from Catholics and evangelical Christians. Consider this quote from an AP article on Yahoo tonight:
One hopeful voice, at least, comes from (are you ready? dun dun duh DUH!) the ELCA. In the same article, we read this:
Life in Chicago: I had the opportunity to learn a great deal about a notorious case of police brutality in Chicago several years ago. I'm not sure what was more horrifying - the idea of what the "to protect and serve" boys and girls can do to a fellow human being, or the blase' attitude of the fellow members of the "focus group" I was a part of. Two things - one, it astonished me how much the black members of the group bought into the concept that a white man in Hyde Park is worth more than a black man on Kedzie Ave. The other thing was that when I asked how this kind of violence was even possible, at least two people visibly shrugged and said, almost as a chorus, "Well, this IS Chicago, after all..."
That was on Friday. Saturday and Sunday, as I walked or biked around Hyde Park, I found myself freezing to the spot whenever a Chicago police vehicle drove by. I found myself just terrified of doing anything - or worse yet, being seen as doing anything - that might attract their ire (or worse, their action). Now, I learned as a wee bitty boy that if someone in authority says "Stop," you stop. But trust me, I'm going to be a lot more careful of what I'm doing when they're around, from now on.
Issues of faith and church: I've stumbled across more than a couple blogs that are arguing the same-old-sameold - is (or isn't) the church the "inerrant" Bride of Christ? Do you really have to believe in that silly resurrection stuff to be a real Christian? Is communion received from a woman "irregular and invalid"? It just makes me wonder, when we argue the things that Paul believed were "as of first importance", we "take our eyes off the prize," and I believe there's weeping in heaven.
That's it, y'all. Keep me in your prayers tomorrow as I go to do the job-interview thing.
Employment: After some steady temporary employment, I have again hit a dearth of income. This is getting ridiculous. At this rate, I'm not going to be able to stay in this city much longer. And maybe...just maybe...that is the message that I haven't wanted to hear. I don't know...there is such promise here, and I am finally starting to see some light in "recovery" from my depression and spiritual struggles. But I can't take much more of this financial insecurity...it really is a spirit-crusher. And the longer I go without work, and the further behind I get, the more hopeless it looks. It's just getting hard to suit up and show up, as they say. More interviews tomorrow - 8:30 and 10 AM, 1:00 PM CDt. We'll see.
Election aftermath: I almost hate reading the news - especially as I hear the loving "Who's yo' daddy?!?" talk from Catholics and evangelical Christians. Consider this quote from an AP article on Yahoo tonight:
"There is no reconciliation between good and evil," wrote Mary Ann Kreitzer of Les Femmes, an organization of conservative Roman Catholic women. "Voters rejected the party of gay activists, radical feminists, the Hollywood elite, pornographers, death-peddlers, anti-Christian bigots and apostate Catholics."("Liberals Dismayed by 'Moral Values' Claims," By David Crary, AP National Writer, Mon Nov 8, 6:10 PM ET)Well, I guess it's helpful to know where I stand...evidently stuck with the anti-Christian bigots, standing in opposition to the Christian bigots. God help us all.
One hopeful voice, at least, comes from (are you ready? dun dun duh DUH!) the ELCA. In the same article, we read this:
However, the Rev. Stephen Bouman, a New York-based bishop of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, worries that conservative Christians' definition of "moral values" may be too narrow to accommodate those of different faiths and backgrounds, including new immigrants. "One thing Jesus was absolutely clear about was helping the poor, and the welcoming of strangers," Bouman said. "Maybe this election was a wake-up call to have a serious conversation about what morality means, to look at what sort of country we're becoming."Boy, you think?
Life in Chicago: I had the opportunity to learn a great deal about a notorious case of police brutality in Chicago several years ago. I'm not sure what was more horrifying - the idea of what the "to protect and serve" boys and girls can do to a fellow human being, or the blase' attitude of the fellow members of the "focus group" I was a part of. Two things - one, it astonished me how much the black members of the group bought into the concept that a white man in Hyde Park is worth more than a black man on Kedzie Ave. The other thing was that when I asked how this kind of violence was even possible, at least two people visibly shrugged and said, almost as a chorus, "Well, this IS Chicago, after all..."
That was on Friday. Saturday and Sunday, as I walked or biked around Hyde Park, I found myself freezing to the spot whenever a Chicago police vehicle drove by. I found myself just terrified of doing anything - or worse yet, being seen as doing anything - that might attract their ire (or worse, their action). Now, I learned as a wee bitty boy that if someone in authority says "Stop," you stop. But trust me, I'm going to be a lot more careful of what I'm doing when they're around, from now on.
Issues of faith and church: I've stumbled across more than a couple blogs that are arguing the same-old-sameold - is (or isn't) the church the "inerrant" Bride of Christ? Do you really have to believe in that silly resurrection stuff to be a real Christian? Is communion received from a woman "irregular and invalid"? It just makes me wonder, when we argue the things that Paul believed were "as of first importance", we "take our eyes off the prize," and I believe there's weeping in heaven.
That's it, y'all. Keep me in your prayers tomorrow as I go to do the job-interview thing.
Same message, different words
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. (Psalm 51:10-12, King James Version)Sometimes it helps me to hear things just a little differently...
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God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! (same passage, from Eugene Peterson's "The Message")
I've been thinking about - and amazingly enough, sometimes even praying for - a sense of renewed purpose in my life. Part of me, sad to say, doesn't want me to have to change, but has been waiting for God's mind to change about how things have been in my life.
And yet, another part of me has wanted to just open the door, and throw out all my old hopes, dreams, and fears, and say to God, "I need to empty out all of what I thought I wanted, or needed, or been afraid I would (or woudn't) get. Would you help me clear out my mind, and soul, and fill me with what You want?"
And this morning (for some reason) I woke up early...just snapped awake at 5 AM. So I padded over to the computer to reflect what God would want in the posting I needed to do for my home church's email devotion list today...and this passage came to mind.
Now, I've been hearing the original King James version of this ever since I came back to faith, 14 years ago. And, God help me, there have been times that I have heard it (and said it) like this:
createinmeacleanheartogodandrenewarightspiritwithinme.(And I'm reasonably sure I'm not the only one who's ever done that.)
That's why "The Message" is such a gift to me - it says things in ways that just slaps me awake and says, "Do you hear what you're reading?"
Create a Genesis week in me from the chaos in my life, Lord. Start with the raw matter of my life - the mud and the gunk and the goo - and begin Creation all over again in me. Don't toss me out, like I sometimes feel You should, as the trash I certainly can become, most days. Blow the fresh wind of your Spirit through the stale air in the rooms of my heart.
In the gray light of a cold Monday morning, remind me of the beauty of your Creation. Fill me with Your vibrant color - the reds, yellows, blues, greens and purples of your living Rainbow - the sign of Your covenant with us.
Help me sail out onto the seas of life today, toward the unknown shores of Your plan for my life, filled with Your spirit, and not my own. Let there be joy in my journey today, Lord - that others might see You in me, and share in that joy. Amen.
(Only problem is, now I'm ready to go back to bed...figures.)
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