Thursday, October 06, 2005

Hitting both extremes

I have felt strangely adrift lately - I'm not sure whether it's poor sleep, or my allergies, or some kind of mildly creeping crud, or just depression (nah, couldn't be that...) but my energy levels have just flat-lined the last week or so. I have felt becalmed - not "calm" as in "serene," but "becalmed" as in "the wind has gone out of my sails." And I'm not really sure why, to be honest.

I am grateful for many things - for the extension of the existing job, for the possibility of a couple successor jobs (although none of them have gotten to the "marry-me" stage of the game, yet), for a roof over my head (even if the plumbing is kinda funky), for the gift of sobriety and even somewhat reasonable health. But my mental acuity is really suffering - to the point that I forgot to take my blood pressure and diabetes medications two mornings in a row. (Yes, I did take the evening doses, and I'm back on track now.) But trust me - that's not a good sign for me.

And, to be honest, it's been hard to pray about it. There are times like now when the voice that says, "This is the fruit of living a sinful life, you yo-yo - so just shut up and live right, and it will get better" sounds pretty strident. But I know that's not the answer, any more than the recurring voice that says, "Don't worry - nothing will be all right..."

Yes, I'm disappointed about not going to Kansas this weekend - but to be honest, I'm a little relieved about that from a financial standpoint, too...so that's not it.

But then, this morning, I had just come under the old Chicago post-office on the Eisenhower Expressway (I-290 for you out-o-towners) when David Bowie's Rebel, Rebel came on the radio, and I could just feel myself start to smile...and step down a little harder on the gas pedal. I don't know what it is about those five simple chords, but they bring back memories of a wilder, happier time in my life, and somehow life just looked better.

And on the way home tonight, the same experience happened on Lake Shore Drive with REO Speedwagon's Roll With The Changes, which got me to a very pleasant dinner with my friend Matt in Hyde Park a little sooner than I would have normally made it. In fact, I'd recently read about the new Volkswagen Golf R32 with a 240-hp. turbocharged engine in it (a galvanized washtub witha tornado strapped to the front). Reading about that just made me long for a wide-open highway, an R32 with a full tank of gas, and a CD sampler including REO's Roll With The Changes and Ridin' The Storm Out, Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone, Triumph's Magic Power, ELO's Fire On High, Gary Wright's Power of Love, and Billy Joel's Travelin' Prayer, to name just a few. (There's probably a blog entry on how music affects my spirituality and my emotional state - but it ain't gonna happen tonight.)

So I can get back to the "happy highs" even though the "grungy lows" seem to be more prevalent. The end result is that I've scheduled a trip to the doctors to get checked out. I'd much rather figure this out on my own - except that I've been trying that for two weeks or so, and it just ain't happening. So "surrender" and "acceptance" mean that I get to get the hell out of the way and let someone who might be able to at least buy a clue give me some answers - or at least some possibilities.

For now, I'm just checkin' in, letting folks know I'm still around - though it would take two weeks straight to catch up on all the blog-reading I've missed. For now, all I can do is climb back on the bicycle and start pedalling, I guess.

5 comments:

Dale said...

Steve:

I have been feeling the same way this past couple of months. Seems I difting slowy down the river. Life has been very busy and does not seem to be any slowing down.

this weekend my family are going to the camp and rest. I am going to find a good book and enjoy. I have not been able to read anything lately either.

I really enjoy your blog and honesty. Keep up the good fight.

AnotherLostAngel said...

Steve;

We all go through the low energy times...Only you know in your heart if its really medical, or just the blues of the body rather rthan the heart or soul...I too need to go to the doctor...in another manifestation of my general contempt/disgust/benign neglect/self punishment of myself, I have veruy much neglected my health..plus being almost officially in my late 40s now, these things are no longer on autopiliot.But the thing with you is you recognize that you're off kilter, and you know what to do about it, and you seem willing and are also able to do it...I am sure you will be alright...

The thing about music and spirituality is real for me as well....actually, I just wrote about that the other day in my blog...

But energy or not, employed or not, packed boxes or unpacked boxes, you have done the Lord's work this last week by your actions, concern and love for another fellow human who needed it....I hope that does not fade in your evaluation of how "things are going." I am in your debt.

Anotherlostangel

Rick said...

Hey brother, my prayers are with you.

My wife and I recently drove her new car through the wine country and I was playing DJ. needless to say "Roll With the Changes" was one I had to "PLAY LOUD".

Keep on rollin' brother, you are held in the grip of God's grace.

Michael said...

Seeing a doctor sounds like the next right thing to do, so congratulations on doing that. I'm seeing mine again this weekend -- a follow-up after a visit that dealt with my own low-energy status. Maybe after we've done the medical guru thing, we could get together and discuss our lows and legitimate musical highs?

I was driving to the health club one late-October evening in about 1990, listening to a new CD of Phantom of the Opera. [I'm a gay man, what can I say?] When the opening organ chords of the overture came on, I was driving in the dark under a starlit sky in rural Wisconsin. I got so pumped I was ready to bench five hundred. Sad to say, that energy had dissipated by the time I got to the gym...

Keith Brenton said...

Pedal ... or dance!

Had a good interview with FamilyLife this morning. How's your job safari going?

You're in my prayers, man.