Hitting both extremes

I have felt strangely adrift lately - I'm not sure whether it's poor sleep, or my allergies, or some kind of mildly creeping crud, or just depression (nah, couldn't be that...) but my energy levels have just flat-lined the last week or so. I have felt becalmed - not "calm" as in "serene," but "becalmed" as in "the wind has gone out of my sails." And I'm not really sure why, to be honest.

I am grateful for many things - for the extension of the existing job, for the possibility of a couple successor jobs (although none of them have gotten to the "marry-me" stage of the game, yet), for a roof over my head (even if the plumbing is kinda funky), for the gift of sobriety and even somewhat reasonable health. But my mental acuity is really suffering - to the point that I forgot to take my blood pressure and diabetes medications two mornings in a row. (Yes, I did take the evening doses, and I'm back on track now.) But trust me - that's not a good sign for me.

And, to be honest, it's been hard to pray about it. There are times like now when the voice that says, "This is the fruit of living a sinful life, you yo-yo - so just shut up and live right, and it will get better" sounds pretty strident. But I know that's not the answer, any more than the recurring voice that says, "Don't worry - nothing will be all right..."

Yes, I'm disappointed about not going to Kansas this weekend - but to be honest, I'm a little relieved about that from a financial standpoint, too...so that's not it.

But then, this morning, I had just come under the old Chicago post-office on the Eisenhower Expressway (I-290 for you out-o-towners) when David Bowie's Rebel, Rebel came on the radio, and I could just feel myself start to smile...and step down a little harder on the gas pedal. I don't know what it is about those five simple chords, but they bring back memories of a wilder, happier time in my life, and somehow life just looked better.

And on the way home tonight, the same experience happened on Lake Shore Drive with REO Speedwagon's Roll With The Changes, which got me to a very pleasant dinner with my friend Matt in Hyde Park a little sooner than I would have normally made it. In fact, I'd recently read about the new Volkswagen Golf R32 with a 240-hp. turbocharged engine in it (a galvanized washtub witha tornado strapped to the front). Reading about that just made me long for a wide-open highway, an R32 with a full tank of gas, and a CD sampler including REO's Roll With The Changes and Ridin' The Storm Out, Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone, Triumph's Magic Power, ELO's Fire On High, Gary Wright's Power of Love, and Billy Joel's Travelin' Prayer, to name just a few. (There's probably a blog entry on how music affects my spirituality and my emotional state - but it ain't gonna happen tonight.)

So I can get back to the "happy highs" even though the "grungy lows" seem to be more prevalent. The end result is that I've scheduled a trip to the doctors to get checked out. I'd much rather figure this out on my own - except that I've been trying that for two weeks or so, and it just ain't happening. So "surrender" and "acceptance" mean that I get to get the hell out of the way and let someone who might be able to at least buy a clue give me some answers - or at least some possibilities.

For now, I'm just checkin' in, letting folks know I'm still around - though it would take two weeks straight to catch up on all the blog-reading I've missed. For now, all I can do is climb back on the bicycle and start pedalling, I guess.